Who am I?
Thank You for being inside of me, for positioning my life within You. Within You is life and peace and all that is well in the world. You are a bubble within the world. I am a flower passing away and on my way down, I want to cling to You with my whole being.
The essence of me is one that is burning and churning and never still. Always striving and wanting and seeking and longing for more. I have people in my life that I have burdens for - that I ache for -- that I want to be able to see You formed in them. And I know that You are going to bring that about. In time. While I wait. While the sun rises and falls on the day and the flower grows up. While the harvest season comes and passes and You are patient still and the new season through, You continue to work. You whisper to me, "Look, what I will do in her."
I awake in the morning and my eyes pop open and I think, "I'm still alive." And I hear Your heart beat within me and I thought it was just my own heart but now, as the years pass along and I see and hear and know what You do, I realize that my heart beats with Yours many times and many times over and over You tell me things that You are doing. And I ache for them, and him and her and them and so it goes.
And I have other goals too. Goals of greatness. No, I don't have a goal for greatness. That is just Your plan for me. Not compared to others. Compared to nothing and no one at all. That is the wrong focus completely. The focus is fullness of Christ in my life so I can sing, "How great is our God" and it is clear that God is alive and that He makes kings from fools and wise from the naive.
"Sing with me, how great is our God. All will see how great is our God."
"And we are the true circumcision, we who worship in the Spirit of God, glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh."
May the Lord cause the processes of the hospital to align to His will. Oh how I yearn for that too, so much. So much of me just is on fire. I think that I was born with missing parts and that I will never be normal until Christ comes to get me and bring me home.
Until then, I remember something that I wrote I long time ago in my little journal from the Lord to me,
"Yes, you will burn for me, but will you wait for me?"
Oh Lord, You are my faithful Provider and I know that You will sustain me and cause me to stand before You in holiness and when I stand and there I will proclaim, "I could never have stood here if it were not for You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" So, my life is a testimony, every day that passes that I have not forsaken Him declares the great faithfulness of God and His ability to hold a sinner and cleanse her from sin and is it not amazing that God is able to take this ball of rage wrapped in sinner's flesh because that is my recollection of myself. And you took her when I wasn't even looking or wanting and said, "You, come here! I will put you into service for me" and so who am I to argue? I was crippled to even respond, didn't even want to respond but You demanded so it is so confusing to know or understand how You could even call me into Your service.
And yet a new day and I hear, but rather I don't really hear much at all. I just know and the thoughts are Yours that You have set in my head and I want them. I desire to possess You and know You and have You and all I want is for the fire of myself to blaze right in Your chest as I exclaim, "You are my God!" That is all I know. That is all I care about.