That is what I need. What you need, what we need. To persevere in Him.
How have I been persevering?
Well, the restrooms are messy where I work so I clean them up when I use them. Doing this has made my life easier. Also, I try to be nice at work. And to work hard and well. For the King! For Him! He is watching and He has a plan for my life!!
It is really difficult though, that, well, my children are getting grown. I was waiting for my ten year old, almost 11 year-old "baby" son to finish up his trombone lesson today. I was walking around the music store and I saw a little-itty baby sitting on what appeared to be a Mama's shoulder and I wanted to ask her if I could let the baby rest on my shoulder. Then I figured that the lady would think that I was a baby robber, and I'm not. I just wanted to feel that little baby lying on my shoulder, because I have no baby to lie on my chest.
Before the trombone lesson, I spoke with my 15 year-old son by telephone who attends a boarding school. He is handsome and smart, getting all A's and is in the school play and 5th chair on the tennis team. It was a fun conversation and back and forth we went and then we sort of ran out of things to say and it was near the time that we needed to hang up. I wanted to drain upon his ear a sorrow of longings and various sentimental sayings and I realized that would not be helpful. I just told him I was proud of him and that I missed him and I felt a longing that I feel again as I recite this event.
This morning I said good-bye to my 13 year-old girl is away at church camp Friday through Monday. I will be away Monday through Wednesday and won't see her until Wednesday. We hugged in the kitchen this morning before she left for school. She was all grown-up in being able to handle everything that she needed for the exhibition.
My 16 and a half - no wait, almost 17 year-old "girl" is on her way to completing college applications and travel world-wide destinations. She is brilliant and vibrant.
Those are the four of them. The ten year-old is still a child. The others are lost forever to the realm of teen hood, sliding on down to adulthood. Forever.
But I have dreams.
Yeah, I won't have them lying on my chest, spitting up their food and crying to have their diapers changed. I won't have moments of exasperation when I wish I was somewhere else or they were grown and then immediately feeling guilty and trying to undo that thought because I knew that one day I would miss the days of chaos of childhood vibrancy and parent's patience being stretched.
Though they won’t be babies, I will have a family of believers walking along the golden streets of the most important city in the world - or rather, not in this world, but in Zion - in the City of God, in heaven.
While still on earth I will have children who are not children at all but leaders of their communities, leaders of the country and even the world, because they are able to lead as there are not enough godly leaders to lead. They will be leaders because God has called them to lead and to stand for righteousness and godliness and truth.
There will be family vacations and gatherings, in which together we are the body of Christ - or part of the body, part of Christ's body. And together we can experience His moving amongst us and He can and will knit us together for His purposes and glory.
I will have the completion of a work well-done that God has called me to in being their mother on earth. What a gift!
Okay. New subject. Switch gears.
I had a prayer the other day, and repeated it today. You can pray it also. It is this: That when God made me, when He first thought of ME all of those thousands of years ago, before the creation of the world, yeah - then. And when He thought of me and He had a plan as to how He wanted me to be, my prayer is that He would do that in me now. That I could become the person that He created, or wanted to create when He first thought of me.
Yet, I know I fail. This is the paradox. I failed just tonight as I had the glass of wine that I thought that I shouldn't because when I do indulge, I eat too much and don't think too well. I become irritable and self-entitled and as for patience - what's that? So I failed in that I used poor judgment and then got mad, at least to myself. I thought to myself, "I had better not say anything, because I will say the wrong thing." Well, when God created me, all of those thousands of years ago, or at least He thought of creating me then, I don't think He smiled when He thought of my short-comings and sins, but perhaps He smiled when He thought about how they wouldn't destroy me because He would save me from my sins. My sins will find me out, but He will save me from my sins.
Moving on. New subject. Third gear. Back to work.
I don't really feel like being so-called successful at work. I'd rather have a million dollars and sit around a fitness club, sail around the ocean and watch a lot of TV and movies, I suppose. However, after a year of my own bout with relaxation and mothering leisure time, my butt is getting into gear and I am working. I think that God has whipped my behind and I am heading back to work mentally. So, you may not understand. Not my problem. My problem is, my occupation is, my job description is, to find out what God wants me to do and do it. So I think that He wants me to work so I am doing that. He wants me to work hard and so I am. And, I am talented at it and that is not an accident. Because I am not His accident. I am His beautiful design! It is His plan for my life. It is a gift of God and I need to treat His gifts kindly and respectfully. There are a lot of people working really hard just to get bread on the table, and I can't go acting disrespectfully to the job and ability that the Lord has given me to do, even by taking it for granted or acting “put-out” by “having” to work. The Bible speaks of what happens with idol hands, so God has given me plenty to do, even if I don’t understand everything, in terms of how He works and moves the way that He does. So I will be respectful towards the labor that He has given me to do, and do it well and with honor, even if it ain't like having a baby growing in your belly and another couple of babies in the double-seated baby carriage.
God bless and I love y'all!