Be Strong and Walk the Walk

What is it like to be a doctor? What is it like to be a psychiatrist? What is it like to be high and lifted up? What is it like to raise your finger as in an auction and have your needs met, your wishes sought to be fulfilled?

Well, I wish I was all that, I suppose. I'm not all that, but I'm a little of that where I work, at a psychiatric hospital and it is cool and I like it.

Yet, I am no better, of course, than the patients, the housecleaners, the nurses, the various staff. I am tempted to think of myself as better than the employees who are obstructionists and contrary to the flow of the institution and organization, but before the eyes of God, we are all sinners.

When I go out to dinner with my husband, I am not the one acclaimed. When I lift my finger I don't get noticed. When I want a refill, I don't necessarily get one. My husband pays the bill, as is tradition and I don’t want to change that tradition, but maybe that is why I am not the one attended to. The servers are typically waitresses; the waiters are not as frequent, if that is part of the mix. My husband is attended to. He gets the coffee refills. He lifts his finger and the waitress usually comes right away.

I remember at a fine restaurant (Morton's) the waitress took my husband’s after dinner coffee and dessert order and forgot to even ask for mine. My husband is just normal. He isn't behaving in a way to provoke such dismissing behavior.

For me, it is a fascination. At the hospital where I work, everybody knows my name; they smile and desire to please me, generally speaking. My husband works in a quiet office and not very many people know him around where he works. Outside of work, I am not that much of a social person, but my husband has a lot of friends. When I am with my husband at a restaurant, I am invisible and he is the one seen. It is weird.

The thing that fascinates me, perhaps, about this little matter of attention given accordance with one's position/role in society is two-fold.

First, I think that it is okay that there is a small degree of laud given one who is in certain leadership roles. The laud should not be for the person, who is by nature a sinner like everyone else. The laud is a sign of respect for what that person has done, in part, but more so for the position itself. Therefore, I am becoming less self-conscious and trying not to be embarrassed by having a certain degree of respect given to me. I humbly receive it. I do not receive it in my person, but before God, I receive it unto His throne, for the role He has granted me, for which I am responsible. It is a crown I toss to Him. I stand up tall. Yes, God has placed me here.

For example, the husband in marriage is entitled to a certain degree of respect. Not as though he is a better person by nature, but because God has ordained a certain chain of authority and certain responsibilities fall upon him. (The husband would do best to remember the respect he is entitled is not due to his own personal worth but just because God has called it so, by nature of his position in the marriage institution.)

The second thing that fascinates me about the respect one receives according to the position he or she holds, is the degree to which I am drawn to it. And I don't believe it is according to my flesh. I mean, certainly I am drawn by my flesh to the respect I receive according to my position. However, I gave that up long ago (though it is a temptation before me, but I give it to Him and see it as it is - a temptation to my flesh that I have to forsake or I will die - for the most part I do this, thus far in my life, at this time, as far as I can tell).

Perhaps the Lord is drawing me to become a person of authority and leadership that receives respect more and more because perhaps more and more God will cause me to be placed in authoritative roles. I desire that. (Yet it scares me to death, well, not to death, but it makes me real nervous.)

You know, I've been thinking about how it would be fun to be driven around in the back seat of a black Lincoln Continental by a driver in a suit while I read magazines and drank coffee. Not all the time have to be driven around, but sometimes would be lovely. Wouldn't it be lovely? I know most people would simply not be drawn to such a funny case scenario.

I don't have an expensive-looking car (although for the same price I could have more of a glamorous car). At this time in my life I would feel funny, embarrassed, driving around in a showy car (when I am not being driven around)! However, lately, I've caught myself thinking, well, more accurately, I've caught myself picturing myself and trying to get used to driving around in a hot shot car, someday, in the distant future. I used to want a Corvette when I was young. Beige. However, then I wanted a Jaguar. Then I got that embarrassed feeling and discounted the idea (when it became a realization that I could actually get that kind of car someday). Now I think I like Jaguars best. But I'm not ready for that yet. I haven't earned it yet.

I was listening to Kay Arthur and she mentioned that if God does give you material possessions, you don't have to be embarrassed by it. I also tried that on for size, figuring out how to handle material possessions. Right now, I don't have to worry it about that much because I am not in the position to get a fancy car or a driver (obviously not a driver!). But what about the future? Will the Lord not only allow for, but actually put me in a position to receive such extravagance consistent with and in accordance with the particular role in which He places me? There is a Proverb in the Bible that speaks of the fact that when the Lord makes rich, there is no burden with it.

Is the Lord preparing me for a certain type of leadership? I want to cry out, "No! Unworthy! No, certainly not me Lord!" Yet, I feel compelled to be strong, stand firm, hold out my hand and say, "Give me strength, and thank you."

I think I can be more honoring to God to give it all up: the respect, the car, the leadership role, the driver and do something more befitting of the Lord's servant: a mother, a wife alone, a 4-H participant, a helper at the church nursery or toddler class, a Bible studier, a prayer. I am or have been all those roles and am those things.
However, in my heart and mind, deep down, God has placed a seed called, "inspiration" and "radical" and "amazing-that-it-is-actually-me" and He said, "Let's go girl - gird your loins for action - we're off! I got something for you and yes, you can have it - I made it for you, created you for it and it is for you and it is yours. Only be Mine. Run with Me. Look to Me. I will use you but you have to listen to Me and walk where and how I say to. Don't use your own wisdom or your own strength. Give up your common sense and trust in Me alone." (God didn't dictate these actual words.)

There is a verse that says, "His gentleness makes me great."

There is a man named Peter, who let down the nets for a catch at the request of Jesus and upon the boats filling up with fish laid down as a dead man said, "Go away from me! I am a sinful man!"

There is a part of me that was made to work as Peter was made to fish. There is all I can do in and of myself that will be completely unproductive. There is a God who creates fishermen and workers who says when and how to fish and work. When God moves and uses us, it feels out-of-this-world.

We humans tend to feel so miserably inept and unworthy that we can not see that it is God who is going to use us. That it is God who has put the desires into us. That it is God who carries us and guides us and wants to live His life through us if we will just listen and put down the net when He says to.

So in as much as I believe that the Lord has brought me to the place where I am now, I want to live for Him and breath for Him and go for Him and work for him. I can not sing. I can not dance. I have not been called to a life of “professional ministry” or a single life of professional motherhood. I am a doctor and a leader and a worker in addition to other roles God has provided for me to do. He has brought me to a simple hospital and says, so to speak, "This is your place of serve. Now work." Okay Lord, and everything in me says, “I will.”

The Lord will share His glory with no human being. Whatever He wants to do with my life is fine with me. Just be with me, Lord; just be with me.