Valley of Humiliation
Sometimes I get an idea to write something in my blog and I think to myself, "I can't write that. What will people think?" Then I think to myself, "It's anonymous, and only a couple of people know who you are and you need to be true to your writing inclinations and why you wanted the blog in the first place."
Today I was reading in Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" about the "Valley of Humiliation" that God takes us to and through in our training. I feel like I am there. I feel like part of the problem of the past several months regarding the trials that my husband and I have been going through really have been partly my fault, although I didn't see it before. I only saw his error - my husband's big fat error and I want him to fix his part and in fact if he did fix his part perfectly, then we wouldn't even have a recognizable problem. That is, except for the fact that God wants to take me through the Valley of Humiliation and God actually wants me to take a hard left - "No, Go That Way!" I hate that when He does that, except I don't hate it because He loves me and it is great to be disciplined by God's mighty hand, for everything He does is best.
For me the Valley of Humiliation is the fact that God wants me, I believe, to be more involved in my job. I hate that. Long ago, I wanted to be a doctor and the Lord let me be a doctor. Let me correct that. Long ago, I thought that it was my idea that I wanted to be a doctor, but it was actually God who planned it long ago that I would be a doctor and He put that desire into my heart. Then I begged and pleaded and He guided and led and I became a doctor.
I wear my doctoring hat around myself like an ornament. It is an attractive piece of jewelry. I don't want to make too much money. I don't want to work too many hours. I don't actually want to become that powerful a doctor, too good at it or too great a leader. I want to be somewhat of a leader, enough of one that I am comfortable with. I don't want to get out of my comfort zone.
I think that God has other ideas for me. I think that He has put in His investment, so to speak, and now He wants what He wants of me. He wants me to be busy and work as what it seems to be like a dog, like a well trained sledding/running dog. "Mush, Mush!" I don't even want to be a big shot (or do I?). But I think that I am going to get accepted into the Medical MBA program. ("So why did you apply for that if you didn't want to do it? Well, I kind-of, sort-of wanted to do it, but not really, but I think God is leading me to do it.")
The Valley of Humiliation comes when I need to work and make more money to actually pay for four children's private education and college preparation stuff, my two week vacation to complete the 50 State venture with my daughter, the trip to Austria for my daughter, the European trip for my other daughter and summer classes to the University this summer for my son. ("Why are you doing those things?" "I think that the Lord has allowed these opportunities for us to do because my husband has led us into these things but I wanted them also.") ("Can you really afford those things?" "We can afford them if I work from like 8:30 to like 5 PM Monday through Friday and sometimes on weekends. My husband is willing and able to fill in with kidly duties, and in fact, me being "tied up" allows and provides for him to be with the children in a very comprehensive way.)
This just seems all so out-of-the-box, atypical that I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I feel like I should be the wife driving the kids around and hanging out with them and not my husband. My husband is in charge of organizing all of our business dealings, which in medicine are complicated and extensive. I think I would be better at that and he would be better at being the doctor.
We have been married 23 and a half years. Long ago, I thought that my husband would be as materially successful as I am, but that has not been the case. He does not have the inclination, nor perhaps the gifts (now that I look at it) that I have. God has truly gifted me in my work. God has truly gifted my husband to be a father and a supporter of all that I am and the children are to be. This is just difficult for me to handle, so much so that I resisted it all of these years. Just been wearing the ornament. Pretty, but it sort of smells. Like stagnant water.
Don't you find (well, I do) that serious pain and problems in the form of difficult trials come when God is trying to alter our thinking and change who we are. This trial probably has changed my husband, and I want him to correct every error that he has. Wishful thinking.
My problem is that I idolize my husband and I want him to meet my impossible emotional needs and he is never going to be able to do that and it is wrong for me to expect that. I want him to be a perfect provider in all ways and he isn't able to do that. God is my Perfect Provider, the All-Sufficient One, the Great I AM.
The Valley of Humiliation is actually being the indentured servant.
By the way, I am comforted by my role model Kay Arthur and others who work very hard as a calling of God. They are working because they want to get something for themselves. They are working because God is using them. Look at the way Paul the Apostle worked.
I think that God wants me to get out there and work in my field of psychiatry (also) because He is doing something in the realm of things that I can not see – in administrations of principalities and powers, in the administration of His running of this world, that is He wants to run like a red thread through this world because He wants to do things that I don’t understand.
I feel like no one really understands me in this specific trial, and it makes me feel ashamed that I have to “come through” as the hero, and yet a part of me wants to be the hero, I know. The bottom line is this:
“The life I live is Christ and to die is gain.”
“I consider everything loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them but dung….”
Today I was reading in Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" about the "Valley of Humiliation" that God takes us to and through in our training. I feel like I am there. I feel like part of the problem of the past several months regarding the trials that my husband and I have been going through really have been partly my fault, although I didn't see it before. I only saw his error - my husband's big fat error and I want him to fix his part and in fact if he did fix his part perfectly, then we wouldn't even have a recognizable problem. That is, except for the fact that God wants to take me through the Valley of Humiliation and God actually wants me to take a hard left - "No, Go That Way!" I hate that when He does that, except I don't hate it because He loves me and it is great to be disciplined by God's mighty hand, for everything He does is best.
For me the Valley of Humiliation is the fact that God wants me, I believe, to be more involved in my job. I hate that. Long ago, I wanted to be a doctor and the Lord let me be a doctor. Let me correct that. Long ago, I thought that it was my idea that I wanted to be a doctor, but it was actually God who planned it long ago that I would be a doctor and He put that desire into my heart. Then I begged and pleaded and He guided and led and I became a doctor.
I wear my doctoring hat around myself like an ornament. It is an attractive piece of jewelry. I don't want to make too much money. I don't want to work too many hours. I don't actually want to become that powerful a doctor, too good at it or too great a leader. I want to be somewhat of a leader, enough of one that I am comfortable with. I don't want to get out of my comfort zone.
I think that God has other ideas for me. I think that He has put in His investment, so to speak, and now He wants what He wants of me. He wants me to be busy and work as what it seems to be like a dog, like a well trained sledding/running dog. "Mush, Mush!" I don't even want to be a big shot (or do I?). But I think that I am going to get accepted into the Medical MBA program. ("So why did you apply for that if you didn't want to do it? Well, I kind-of, sort-of wanted to do it, but not really, but I think God is leading me to do it.")
The Valley of Humiliation comes when I need to work and make more money to actually pay for four children's private education and college preparation stuff, my two week vacation to complete the 50 State venture with my daughter, the trip to Austria for my daughter, the European trip for my other daughter and summer classes to the University this summer for my son. ("Why are you doing those things?" "I think that the Lord has allowed these opportunities for us to do because my husband has led us into these things but I wanted them also.") ("Can you really afford those things?" "We can afford them if I work from like 8:30 to like 5 PM Monday through Friday and sometimes on weekends. My husband is willing and able to fill in with kidly duties, and in fact, me being "tied up" allows and provides for him to be with the children in a very comprehensive way.)
This just seems all so out-of-the-box, atypical that I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I feel like I should be the wife driving the kids around and hanging out with them and not my husband. My husband is in charge of organizing all of our business dealings, which in medicine are complicated and extensive. I think I would be better at that and he would be better at being the doctor.
We have been married 23 and a half years. Long ago, I thought that my husband would be as materially successful as I am, but that has not been the case. He does not have the inclination, nor perhaps the gifts (now that I look at it) that I have. God has truly gifted me in my work. God has truly gifted my husband to be a father and a supporter of all that I am and the children are to be. This is just difficult for me to handle, so much so that I resisted it all of these years. Just been wearing the ornament. Pretty, but it sort of smells. Like stagnant water.
Don't you find (well, I do) that serious pain and problems in the form of difficult trials come when God is trying to alter our thinking and change who we are. This trial probably has changed my husband, and I want him to correct every error that he has. Wishful thinking.
My problem is that I idolize my husband and I want him to meet my impossible emotional needs and he is never going to be able to do that and it is wrong for me to expect that. I want him to be a perfect provider in all ways and he isn't able to do that. God is my Perfect Provider, the All-Sufficient One, the Great I AM.
The Valley of Humiliation is actually being the indentured servant.
By the way, I am comforted by my role model Kay Arthur and others who work very hard as a calling of God. They are working because they want to get something for themselves. They are working because God is using them. Look at the way Paul the Apostle worked.
I think that God wants me to get out there and work in my field of psychiatry (also) because He is doing something in the realm of things that I can not see – in administrations of principalities and powers, in the administration of His running of this world, that is He wants to run like a red thread through this world because He wants to do things that I don’t understand.
I feel like no one really understands me in this specific trial, and it makes me feel ashamed that I have to “come through” as the hero, and yet a part of me wants to be the hero, I know. The bottom line is this:
“The life I live is Christ and to die is gain.”
“I consider everything loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them but dung….”
posted by An Ordinary Christian | 4:53 PM
8 Comments:
You are His clay. You are so right, it's about dying to self isn't it. It isn't really about what we want at all or what we think our spouses need to be like. I believe you hit the nail squarely on this one. I recommend the book Journey of Desire by John Eldridge. Happy New Year!
I admire the boldness with which you examine every aspect of your life. I know if I were to do the same, I would see more failures on my report card than A's. The only thing I am working at now, is trying to be a prov 31 kind of wife, a 1 Pet 3 kind of wife...and then I heard on the radio Billy Graham's wife said "It is my duty to love my husband and God's duty to change him". So am working on that...and I think it is working, I see signs of change in him.Thank you for being so bold and encouraging, in your writings.
About your comment on my post, it is true we all have little disobediences in our lives, but we have hope in our Lord Jesus for our forgiveness, when we ask for pardon.
1 John 2:1
"My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One." He knows exactly what we go through when we fall in little disobediences, but is faithful to forgive all our sins if we confess and ask for forgiveness. Thats the beautiful thing.
Once again I have to say WOW. You seem very intense, I could be wrong since I don't know you except through your blog, but do you ever just thow your head back and breathe in the joy and sweet fragrance of the Lord? Just empty yourself of all those plans and self examinations and just go silly with praise? Please know that I'm not being critical in any sense, you just overwhelm me with your intensity ~ which by the way I could use a little more of! I love reading your post..they always edify!
I agree with Pat, you are very intense which is probably a gift in itself since you are a doctor.
God is working everything out, all the details, all the discrepancies, we just want our own way.
I have been troubled lately just with what is going on in the world in general, asking myself if I am making any difference at all.
Then my mother is sick and my husband is having to go get a second opinion from a heart specialist because he has an irregular heartbeat, and then there are other things, but last night, God really got my attention and I can't even really put it into words, but all of a sudden things came into focus and one thing I realized for sure is that He is faithful and true and always has been and always will be. I've always known this, but He just spoke to me in a way I finally really get it.
He is the one constant in my life that I can depend on. He will work out all the details, I just need to work on my relationship with Him.
So for now, just know I am praying for you, be still and listen for that wee small voice. I have a feeling He is about to speak to your heart and give you some peace in all of this.
God bless you, have a wonderful week.
My problem is that I idolize my husband and I want him to meet my impossible emotional needs and he is never going to be able to do that and it is wrong for me to expect that. I want him to be a perfect provider in all ways and he isn't able to do that. God is my Perfect Provider, the All-Sufficient One, the Great I AM.
you know, that almost killed my marriage. it took me a long time to begin to grasp that concept. Thanks for posting!
I found that God has His ways of humbling me, so I can clearly see all His blessings and be grateful for them and for His great love for me. I don't deserve any of it :-)
God's Grace.
Honest post. I think being honest with myself is one of the hardest things I attempt.
God bless.
Thank you all! I love you!
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