Two unrelated parts. Part 1: "Busy and sent," Part 2: "Tainted Love"
Busy and Sent:
Today I am busy, and I have been busy and I will be busy this next week. There is a difference between being "sent out" to do work versus trying in and of yourself to achieve something to satisfy your own lusts. When you start out as a person of the latter, and then over 24 years of seeking after Christ and giving up your own path, and then find you are "felt led” and find that you are working and accomplishing things, but you don't even care about the gains (not really care about the gains, although you thank God for the gains and enjoy them and give them up as a worship offering to the Lord) but you are only trying to be a good Christian example and do what you know best that you are supposed to do in and for the name of Jesus and for His glory because the other doors have closed and you are pushed through the remaining door and find the blessing of God and the support of others including your pastor and all family members and your workplace while working in that arena that the door led to, and then you find that He is having you go to the same places that you may have supposed that you would have liked to have gone if you were doing it in your flesh, which you aren’t, it is kind of a trip. (How did you like that California sentence?) Be strong in the Lord and in His might. Put on the full armor of God so that you may withstand the blows from the evil one. One tactic of the enemy is the lie that I am only working for my flesh. I need to ignore him, continue to do good and press on, to run the race that is marked out before me.
Tainted Love
One other thing, this week I had a realization and I just want to note it here, even though I am not discussing it in detail and that is this: I heard a person say this week that there are no illegitimate children, only illegitimate parents and isn't that so right? Also, it is wrong for a parent to put a burden on a child that says, "You owe me, because I gave birth to you," when it was God who created, who pre-ordained, who orchestrated and who gave birth. Also, what about the pain that the "illegitimate child" went through? There shouldn't be a yoke of guilt and burden around her neck to serve like she is in personal obligation to the parent in the first place. But to compound the error of the parental ways by not acknowledging that the parents' bad behavior caused a lot of undue suffering on the part of the child is arrogant, insensitive and wrong. There is a battle that have been going on for many years about these issues in my mind, and in the minds of many children, grown and otherwise, caught in the trap of parents’ who exploit them for their own gains, like they own the grown child, and do not release the child unto the Lord for His purposes. Also, it is the parents’ jobs to let their child grow into whatever God wants and intends them to be, to release her to Himself for His glory. It is wrong for the parent to take God's position. It is a trap for the child when the parent puts the false guilt on the child, because the unbeknown sucker just assumes the false guilt because she wants to honor, obey the parent, who acts so suave and smooth, like an angel of light as he or she sucks the life out and manipulates the poor grown child, like a parasite sent on a mission from hell.
Contrastingly, there is another type of sick child (grown or otherwise)/parent relationship that says, “You must be acceptable into how I want you to be or I won’t accept you.” This is called a narcissistic attachment. That type of parental exploitation is bad also, but isn’t pissing me off as much as the former type of relationship is, today.
I was raised in the latter type of style of parenting. Then I found my biological mother, about 7 years ago, and loved her and wanted her acceptance and she kept playing the same note again and again and still does and that single, perpetual note is this: “I am pleased when you give me sufficient attention and you disappoint me when you don’t provide everything possible to make me comfortable and happy. You exist to please me. I like to be happy and enjoy things and I want you to provide that for me, and you really ought to, because you have that obligation.”
My adoptive mother said a similar thing, ironically enough, when I was a child, but it was also different. It said, “I am pleased when you are successful (Oh, what a surprise!) and I can not accept you or truly love you, unless you are successful in the eyes of the world. But, if you are successful, be careful, because I am actually going to be jealous of you, so I guess I can’t really love you anyway. You are a disappointment because I was hoping you would save my marriage and the bad feelings I have in general. Also, success in the world means everything to me, and you don’t seem to bring me anything but problems. Don’t you feel badly that everything you require costs so much of my money and time and you really aren’t worth it.”
There. All my issues defined. Okay. I can deal with this. It is becoming so neatly organized and am beginning to be able to understand and articulate and deal with the associated emotions. God is good who heals and provides ability to forgive others. I am so glad that He made me for Himself. I am glad my adoptive mother is proud of me and I pray that my birth mother would develop understanding and perspective, but I guess I need to do what I needed to do with my adoptive mother, and that is to realize that she is never going to change. It is I who has to learn to, and who has to simply do it, and that is to accept the things I can not change. She is disappointed in me and so what? She is wanting what I can not and should not ever be asked to give, and that is my mind and my “being” submitted to a manipulation and a lie and a false way.
Today I am busy, and I have been busy and I will be busy this next week. There is a difference between being "sent out" to do work versus trying in and of yourself to achieve something to satisfy your own lusts. When you start out as a person of the latter, and then over 24 years of seeking after Christ and giving up your own path, and then find you are "felt led” and find that you are working and accomplishing things, but you don't even care about the gains (not really care about the gains, although you thank God for the gains and enjoy them and give them up as a worship offering to the Lord) but you are only trying to be a good Christian example and do what you know best that you are supposed to do in and for the name of Jesus and for His glory because the other doors have closed and you are pushed through the remaining door and find the blessing of God and the support of others including your pastor and all family members and your workplace while working in that arena that the door led to, and then you find that He is having you go to the same places that you may have supposed that you would have liked to have gone if you were doing it in your flesh, which you aren’t, it is kind of a trip. (How did you like that California sentence?) Be strong in the Lord and in His might. Put on the full armor of God so that you may withstand the blows from the evil one. One tactic of the enemy is the lie that I am only working for my flesh. I need to ignore him, continue to do good and press on, to run the race that is marked out before me.
Tainted Love
One other thing, this week I had a realization and I just want to note it here, even though I am not discussing it in detail and that is this: I heard a person say this week that there are no illegitimate children, only illegitimate parents and isn't that so right? Also, it is wrong for a parent to put a burden on a child that says, "You owe me, because I gave birth to you," when it was God who created, who pre-ordained, who orchestrated and who gave birth. Also, what about the pain that the "illegitimate child" went through? There shouldn't be a yoke of guilt and burden around her neck to serve like she is in personal obligation to the parent in the first place. But to compound the error of the parental ways by not acknowledging that the parents' bad behavior caused a lot of undue suffering on the part of the child is arrogant, insensitive and wrong. There is a battle that have been going on for many years about these issues in my mind, and in the minds of many children, grown and otherwise, caught in the trap of parents’ who exploit them for their own gains, like they own the grown child, and do not release the child unto the Lord for His purposes. Also, it is the parents’ jobs to let their child grow into whatever God wants and intends them to be, to release her to Himself for His glory. It is wrong for the parent to take God's position. It is a trap for the child when the parent puts the false guilt on the child, because the unbeknown sucker just assumes the false guilt because she wants to honor, obey the parent, who acts so suave and smooth, like an angel of light as he or she sucks the life out and manipulates the poor grown child, like a parasite sent on a mission from hell.
Contrastingly, there is another type of sick child (grown or otherwise)/parent relationship that says, “You must be acceptable into how I want you to be or I won’t accept you.” This is called a narcissistic attachment. That type of parental exploitation is bad also, but isn’t pissing me off as much as the former type of relationship is, today.
I was raised in the latter type of style of parenting. Then I found my biological mother, about 7 years ago, and loved her and wanted her acceptance and she kept playing the same note again and again and still does and that single, perpetual note is this: “I am pleased when you give me sufficient attention and you disappoint me when you don’t provide everything possible to make me comfortable and happy. You exist to please me. I like to be happy and enjoy things and I want you to provide that for me, and you really ought to, because you have that obligation.”
My adoptive mother said a similar thing, ironically enough, when I was a child, but it was also different. It said, “I am pleased when you are successful (Oh, what a surprise!) and I can not accept you or truly love you, unless you are successful in the eyes of the world. But, if you are successful, be careful, because I am actually going to be jealous of you, so I guess I can’t really love you anyway. You are a disappointment because I was hoping you would save my marriage and the bad feelings I have in general. Also, success in the world means everything to me, and you don’t seem to bring me anything but problems. Don’t you feel badly that everything you require costs so much of my money and time and you really aren’t worth it.”
There. All my issues defined. Okay. I can deal with this. It is becoming so neatly organized and am beginning to be able to understand and articulate and deal with the associated emotions. God is good who heals and provides ability to forgive others. I am so glad that He made me for Himself. I am glad my adoptive mother is proud of me and I pray that my birth mother would develop understanding and perspective, but I guess I need to do what I needed to do with my adoptive mother, and that is to realize that she is never going to change. It is I who has to learn to, and who has to simply do it, and that is to accept the things I can not change. She is disappointed in me and so what? She is wanting what I can not and should not ever be asked to give, and that is my mind and my “being” submitted to a manipulation and a lie and a false way.
posted by An Ordinary Christian | 10:07 AM
3 Comments:
You are so open and bold. I love that about you. I understand what you are going through in a way because I have had issues with my mother. Even now, with this whole job situation, she keeps telling me what she'd do and if I don't do it, she keeps reminding me that my kids will pay for my "selfishness." What she fails to recognize is the situation I was in a couple of years ago when my husband wanted nothing to do with us. I didn't expect it of him and now I have a chance to work and start a career that will eventually bring in some money. I'm not doing this for selfish reasons, but more than anything, for my kids. Life is unpredictable and it can be difficult. How great it would be to have full support from our mothers. Wouldn't that be nice? I'm just thankful for friends like you that know how to encourage, uplift and support. God does not leave us alone. He's there and He puts good people in our life. We just have to learn to recognize them and appreciate them and not look for that person in someone else.
God is so good to bring us down a path that leads to acceptance, forgiveness, healing and eventually freedom...He is a freeing God! I cannot believe some of the things parents do to their children...but no matter! you are born of Him, and to Him...He planned your birth and your life and intends it for His own purposes...you are a daughter to be proud of and He is...there are NO illegitimate children..especially in His house.
Perhaps the one of the hardest things to learn is --- to let go and allow God to handle things.
I don't allow things with mom to eat at me anymore. I am bothered, but must hand it to the Lord. And go on.
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