Birds, stockings, and a line in the cement
This was my faith walk for today. I am sharing this with some trepidation. This morning I was thinking, that it really is looking unlikely that we will have Matt in our home by Christmas, and especially not by the 16th, which is when our family's ski trip starts, and is the day my husband is picking up two of my kids from their boarding school in Kentucky.
The setting is this: I was sitting at the table this morning, reading my Bible Study homework and digressing to a time 18 years ago when I thought the Lord was speaking to me through Romans chapter four. (I was pretty freaked out at that time, because I felt this sort-of warm sensation in my heart, and it was quite striking. I was sure that God was impressing upon me to believe that my husband would become a believer one day. Three years ago my husband began attending church with me and has since demonstrated his commitment to Christ. Not smooth sailing the years in between.)
Although it wasn't in this morning's assignment, I turned to the verse in Romans ch 4 that said, "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed, and so become the father of many nations." The verse went on to discuss that he considered his old body and Sarah's. I tried to figure out and think about what "against hope, in hope" meant. About that time a flock of unusual birds went zooming past on the lake outside the window, all flying tightly and speedily together.
For Abraham, the circumstances were like those flock of birds - the circumstances were all going in one direction, and with great force and that was like the natural hope in the world. If one were one of those birds, but going in the opposite direction - against all those birds going in the other direction, to me that would be like "against all hope, Abraham in hope believed." Abraham believed God against the natural hope that he could see.
I wrote out my facts. Why I should presume upon God to bring Matt into our home by Christmas? I numbered on the side of each fact (or detail) 1-10, depending upon the degree of certainty that I had that God orchestrated the fact or detail. The details were things revealed by God either through prayer, His Word, circumstances, or the church that pointed to Matt coming to us by Christmas. There were a number of details/facts. But no voice from heaven sounding like a phone solicitor told me details that my flesh wanted to know. There was so much mystery remaining.
Later in the day, going about activites with my family, I thought about how I wanted to believe God but what if I was wrong, and what if I am manipulating Him, or trying to manipulate Him, or what if I am like the evil and adultrous generation that Jesus spoke about who demanded a sign? What about the signs God already gave me?
I thought about how in the verse in Roman chapter 4 that seemed to imply that because Abraham believed, then therefore God was "able" to work to enable the pregnancy (and enable the whole "justification by faith" number and all of its ramifications). What if I was to believe God that Matt would be here by Christmas in order for it to actually come about?
Hours later as I was walking, I saw a line in the cement at my feet, and I said, when I walk over this line, I am simply going to believe and receive that God is wanting me to believe that we will have Matt by Christmas. (Isn't this a little wacky?) When I walked over the cement I really thought like I felt something in my spirit.
Later again, I was writing in my journal and I titled the next page, "things I would be doing if I knew Matt was coming by Christmas." A list of about six things suddenly appeared. I would buy the shelves for that closet and move out the rest of the stuff out of that closet. I would change the sheets. I would put the labels on the CDs, address the Christmas card "packages" (literally - Bonnie you want one? So far I am sending one to Pia, Dana and Kitty). I would buy that additional Christmas stocking that Matt would need for Christmas morning, that I had thought about buying one, two, three times before, but put it off.
Then I thought to myself, "what if he is coming by Christmas? I had better get these things done." I thought, "why should I not act upon the belief that he could come by Christmas?" Then I got a little afraid about how I haven't acted upon what God has shown me already. I said to myself, in perhaps an inspired sort of way, "I'm going to buy the very next stocking that I see."
Hours later, we were at the mall. I dropped the kids at "Build a Bear" and told them I was going to check at the information booth about an item that my child wanted to get with some reward money that he had, to see if the mall carried it. I looked up and in a window I saw the most wonderful Christmas stockings, and forgetting my earlier "commitment," I admired to myself how those stockings are just the kind that would be perfect for our home and children. Then, a flash later, of course I remembered that I said to the air and God who fills the air, that I was going to buy the next stocking that I saw. I went right into the store and there was a lovely woman who helped me.
The inner struggles started. I ended up purchasing the following: 6 individually unique stockings and 6 stocking holders. The holders were on a bit of a short supply and I had to mix and match styles. Then, when I was ready to purchase, the lady found out that they did have six all of the same style, but I stuck with my original decision. To purchase 4 holders of the cross type (for 4 boys) and 2 holders of the nutcracker type (for 2 girls). Later in the car, my daughter, seeing that there were 6 stockings (and there are currently 6 members of our family)asked which stocking did I want. I told her that I wasn't going to be choosing a stocking for myself.
Tonight, 20 minutes before "Linen and Things" was closed, I purchased the shelves for the closet.
"...he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead - since he was about a hundred years old - and that Sarah's womb was also dead." That is the way I feel. We haven't even heard that Matt has been referred to us. How are we going to fly over there, preferably with all six family members and have a conference, be chosen to let the timing happen "immediately" - or practically immediately and then for Matt to come over to California from Kentucky? In between all of that, our social worker needs to recieve background information to go over with us.
"Be still and know I am God." Well, if it is January 15th and nothing has happened, what do I say to myself then? What do I conclude? That I am not perfect, but God is. The flip is worse, what if I am to believe, but don't?
I may not be able to make everything happen according to a schedule, but I can make the preparations if God was wanting Matt to come by Christmas. So tomorrow, Lord willing, I'll finish that closet and the last details on his room. Oh, late in the day today I thought I had an inspired thought, "what happened today with the stocking was another sign." I mean, what are the chances of finding just the right stocking, right after making that crazy commitment - and get this - a 50% off sales price.
The setting is this: I was sitting at the table this morning, reading my Bible Study homework and digressing to a time 18 years ago when I thought the Lord was speaking to me through Romans chapter four. (I was pretty freaked out at that time, because I felt this sort-of warm sensation in my heart, and it was quite striking. I was sure that God was impressing upon me to believe that my husband would become a believer one day. Three years ago my husband began attending church with me and has since demonstrated his commitment to Christ. Not smooth sailing the years in between.)
Although it wasn't in this morning's assignment, I turned to the verse in Romans ch 4 that said, "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed, and so become the father of many nations." The verse went on to discuss that he considered his old body and Sarah's. I tried to figure out and think about what "against hope, in hope" meant. About that time a flock of unusual birds went zooming past on the lake outside the window, all flying tightly and speedily together.
For Abraham, the circumstances were like those flock of birds - the circumstances were all going in one direction, and with great force and that was like the natural hope in the world. If one were one of those birds, but going in the opposite direction - against all those birds going in the other direction, to me that would be like "against all hope, Abraham in hope believed." Abraham believed God against the natural hope that he could see.
I wrote out my facts. Why I should presume upon God to bring Matt into our home by Christmas? I numbered on the side of each fact (or detail) 1-10, depending upon the degree of certainty that I had that God orchestrated the fact or detail. The details were things revealed by God either through prayer, His Word, circumstances, or the church that pointed to Matt coming to us by Christmas. There were a number of details/facts. But no voice from heaven sounding like a phone solicitor told me details that my flesh wanted to know. There was so much mystery remaining.
Later in the day, going about activites with my family, I thought about how I wanted to believe God but what if I was wrong, and what if I am manipulating Him, or trying to manipulate Him, or what if I am like the evil and adultrous generation that Jesus spoke about who demanded a sign? What about the signs God already gave me?
I thought about how in the verse in Roman chapter 4 that seemed to imply that because Abraham believed, then therefore God was "able" to work to enable the pregnancy (and enable the whole "justification by faith" number and all of its ramifications). What if I was to believe God that Matt would be here by Christmas in order for it to actually come about?
Hours later as I was walking, I saw a line in the cement at my feet, and I said, when I walk over this line, I am simply going to believe and receive that God is wanting me to believe that we will have Matt by Christmas. (Isn't this a little wacky?) When I walked over the cement I really thought like I felt something in my spirit.
Later again, I was writing in my journal and I titled the next page, "things I would be doing if I knew Matt was coming by Christmas." A list of about six things suddenly appeared. I would buy the shelves for that closet and move out the rest of the stuff out of that closet. I would change the sheets. I would put the labels on the CDs, address the Christmas card "packages" (literally - Bonnie you want one? So far I am sending one to Pia, Dana and Kitty). I would buy that additional Christmas stocking that Matt would need for Christmas morning, that I had thought about buying one, two, three times before, but put it off.
Then I thought to myself, "what if he is coming by Christmas? I had better get these things done." I thought, "why should I not act upon the belief that he could come by Christmas?" Then I got a little afraid about how I haven't acted upon what God has shown me already. I said to myself, in perhaps an inspired sort of way, "I'm going to buy the very next stocking that I see."
Hours later, we were at the mall. I dropped the kids at "Build a Bear" and told them I was going to check at the information booth about an item that my child wanted to get with some reward money that he had, to see if the mall carried it. I looked up and in a window I saw the most wonderful Christmas stockings, and forgetting my earlier "commitment," I admired to myself how those stockings are just the kind that would be perfect for our home and children. Then, a flash later, of course I remembered that I said to the air and God who fills the air, that I was going to buy the next stocking that I saw. I went right into the store and there was a lovely woman who helped me.
The inner struggles started. I ended up purchasing the following: 6 individually unique stockings and 6 stocking holders. The holders were on a bit of a short supply and I had to mix and match styles. Then, when I was ready to purchase, the lady found out that they did have six all of the same style, but I stuck with my original decision. To purchase 4 holders of the cross type (for 4 boys) and 2 holders of the nutcracker type (for 2 girls). Later in the car, my daughter, seeing that there were 6 stockings (and there are currently 6 members of our family)asked which stocking did I want. I told her that I wasn't going to be choosing a stocking for myself.
Tonight, 20 minutes before "Linen and Things" was closed, I purchased the shelves for the closet.
"...he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead - since he was about a hundred years old - and that Sarah's womb was also dead." That is the way I feel. We haven't even heard that Matt has been referred to us. How are we going to fly over there, preferably with all six family members and have a conference, be chosen to let the timing happen "immediately" - or practically immediately and then for Matt to come over to California from Kentucky? In between all of that, our social worker needs to recieve background information to go over with us.
"Be still and know I am God." Well, if it is January 15th and nothing has happened, what do I say to myself then? What do I conclude? That I am not perfect, but God is. The flip is worse, what if I am to believe, but don't?
I may not be able to make everything happen according to a schedule, but I can make the preparations if God was wanting Matt to come by Christmas. So tomorrow, Lord willing, I'll finish that closet and the last details on his room. Oh, late in the day today I thought I had an inspired thought, "what happened today with the stocking was another sign." I mean, what are the chances of finding just the right stocking, right after making that crazy commitment - and get this - a 50% off sales price.
posted by An Ordinary Christian | 8:49 PM
2 Comments:
wow wow wow! birds, stockings, a line in the cement....waiting, preparation and anticipation are things that God would have us all learn. Am sure God's grace is sufficient for you my dear friend.
you go girl, and yes I want a CD. I'll email you my address.
Now you're getting the hang of this.
Patience! Be still and know that He is God!
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