Born a Woman

If you've read my blog lately, I'm going through a trial. Last night as I was slumbering off to sleep and thinking about what Kay Arthur was teaching me earlier in the day, that "grace snuggles" (you had to have heard the lecture, I guess, but anyway...). I was snuggling up to the Lord in my pain and my fear. Then, in that space, I thanked God for making it difficult because I know that I am His. I am truly His bond servant. Held in bonds to Him and He could do anything that He wanted to do, because no matter what He did and no matter what it looked like, I was still there, waiting for Him to pull through on my behalf, in His perfect timing, in His perfect way. At least at that time in my life. November 5th, 2006.

I thought also that I am my husband's wife. He has a measure of governmental authority over me that God has granted and there is nothing that I can do to escape that, so why try? Why not sit there in that misery and declare that I too am my husband's indentured servant. That I am staying where I am, where I have found myself in this relationship because it is God's will for me at this time in my life.

All I know that I am to do at this time in my life is to submit myself to God and my husband in the midst of this trial and pray and wait. There isn't anything else I can do except to try to go about my day as normally as possible.

I sort-of hate being in a yoke. Don't we all? Don't we women bristle at the thought that our husband has been granted some sort of licenses authority over us, over our bodies, over our futures? Don't we as people resist fully submitting to whatever God wants to do? Don't we hold a little extra secret stash of cash, or whatever we feel can get us out of a tight space? Don't we want to hold a little back from God?

There in my submitted and humbled space of my mind, whereas I lay in my bed submitted to God and to my husband under Christ, I thought, "this isn't so bad."

But the flesh in me thinks it is really bad, and really it is a mark of utter failure, and for the flesh it is a mark of utter and complete failure and misery. Sort of like just hanging on a cross. "If you are the Christ, take Yourself down from there!" If I am a 21st century woman, just fix myself out of this situation. "God helps those who help themselves, right?" (No, not right.)

I didn't really like the fact that I was born a woman, frankly. I’d rather have the superior place in a relationship of woman and man. I’d rather be born a god myself, rather than born owing God His due authority over me. In recent years I have come to more fully grasp the beauties and wonders of womanhood. However, most of my life I did not know that there were such wonderful fruits of being a woman, pleasant things to enjoy – that I might myself enjoy.

In work, I am a powerful woman, and I see myself as becoming more and more powerful and effective. I am a leader and help organizations run effectively. I help people to do their best, helping to inspire their natural motivations. I do this, all the while, being a woman and being in that brace called a yoke, to both God and my husband.

My husband likes having a powerful and effective woman as a wife, but doesn't like or want to be personally led by her, although He enjoys her wisdom and effectiveness. It is an incredible tightrope walk. Working with my husband, not over him, not commanding him. I can not command him because I am under him in authority rank before the Lord, due to the way that God has set up His Kingdom. I can not command him because he will not submit to me. (I’ve tried!)

I believe that God has opened the door for me to do more and more and become more and more in terms of a leader in my work. I am excited about the MBA, but frankly, bowing out would be fine for me too. A relief, actually. A housewife hanging out at the house would be great (just give me servants to do all the cleaning and cooking!) But not doing God's will for me is horribly unthinkable and I believe, as imperfect as I am to know, with what I do know, I believe that I am to do this MBA and go forward in my life in this manner as a leader as an MD, MBA, Lord willing and unto His glory for His purposes, that I do not know and can not see, as I am a mere human.

God wants me, I think, to be a role model for my growing children at this time in my life and not to try and control their lives, because they are now entering into their own little miniature adult lives. God wants me, I think, to let my husband find his own way, and see the Lord's working through it as well, in regards to certain areas that God has given him to do. God is letting him know, I think, that Andrea, his wife, is NOT going to run in and rescue him or herself from the circumstances that he has allowed to develop. I can not do everything, and I can only do, am only to do that to which I have been called.

So I have decided not to worry about certain things. God is affecting a lot of things in heaven and on earth that I can not see. He is taking over certain realms of so-called invisible territories for Himself and His purposes.

Meanwhile, I will remember who I am in Christ, that I am God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works that God has predestined that I should walk in. I will stay in my line. I will wait and I, in Christ, along with my husband, will triumph.