When the life of faith seems elusive
There is a whirlpool inside of me. Somewhere between the innocence of youth and an upright and capable adult. When the crises of life come upon me like a tornado, or what feels like a tornado, the whirlwind churns and everything goes fuzzy. In the fog, in the confusion, in the swirling around, I not only simply worry, and am worry personified.
So then I remember that for me to worry is sin, because worry is unbelief, and worry signifies that I don't believe that God is for me. Worry announces that I am disobedient to the truth. His truth. The One who is truth. The One who is for me.
But all I have is worry, so then I remember what Kay Arthur just taught me, that I am a helpless, ungodly sinner. Then it makes sense. That is why I worry anyway, even though I don't want to. I sin because I am a sinner. I am helpless to help myself because I am helpless. God likes that because then He can work. He can work in impotent people. “When I am weak, then I am strong, therefore I glory in my weakness.” Because that is when the life of Christ can work into a person His very Self, through the Holy Spirit by faith.
I am in the center of God's will. The place that James says to rejoice in. The wonderful perfect spot where God is working inside of me to change the very nature of who I am. To rearrange the chemicals in my brain so that neurons fire differently and in different places. I am in the place where my dependency of God is greater than it has ever been before in this certain area of temptation for my flesh. I am alone with my sin. And my sin is ever before me. I am a sinner. I confess my sin of unbelief and God is there, ready to supply me with what I need, the medicine of His forgiveness, His mercy, His recognition of my lack, His Almighty power as raindrops of grace. His hand that calms the sea and quiets the storm.
One problem is that it doesn't make sense that God would allow me to have such pain and confusion. The problem is that on the one hand I know that God is good and God is for me and God is working all things together for my will and that the trial is an opportunity. However, on the other hand, I feel pain and I am afraid. Truly afraid because I have no where to rest myself, because of the whirlwind and the tornado and that there is no where to place my feet. No where to go to be comforted. I can't go to God in the traditional way that I know Him because to me He has changed. But He has not changed, but my view of Him was wrong and I am having to reconcile the difference. I am having to hold to the knowledge of all that He is that is good and perfect and sovereign and at the same time suspend my confusion that contradicts the knowledge of His goodness. And just believe anyway. It isn’t a mighty or grand thing to do, because I have no where else to go. Just like Moses didn’t have anywhere else to o but across the Red Sea.
Job said, "Though He slay me, I will trust in Him." Job trusted in a God that took away everything that was good in His life until He had nothing left except a nag who told him to curse God and die.
I am afraid that I really hate where I am right now and I want to get mad like a little girl and stomp my foot and scream an holler until I get my way. The problem is, I have found that God is not to be manipulated like my parents were. I found that God is displeased with that type of grumbling. I know that if I do that I am acting spoiled, and I am not acting in a becoming way before the Lord. Oh, life is so hard! I am afraid that God will not fix this situation that I am finding myself in. I am afraid that it will get worse before it gets better. I am mad because I don’t think the problem is my fault. However, the problem exposes my sin that I spoke of in this blog the last couple of entries. The problem is that I have sin and error and problems of character and emotional instability that God is correcting through using difficult circumstances, so like Paul I can be content in whatever the circumstances.
My prayer is that God would have mercy on me in my circumstances. My prayer is that God would relieve the circumstances. My prayer is that I would know Him in the midst of the circumstances. My prayer is that I would be imparted with His grace to handle the trial. My prayer is to have less and less of myself and more and more of Him. My prayer is to thank Him for the trial through which He is reshaping my very personality. My prayer is that I would honor Him before the principalities and powers that are at war in the heavens by my steadfast spirit. My prayer is that I would not faint. My prayer is that my faith would grow brighter with each passing day until the light of the midday sun. My prayer is that His grace would be greater, that my faith would be greater. My prayer is that I would be obedient to each step of this life of faith. My prayer is that I would not be a disappointment to Him. My prayer is that I would stand, and having done everything, to stand -"stand therefore."
I would love you to pray for me. My spirit wants you to pray in the grandiose ways cited above. My simple and fragile self, just says, “help, I am afraid and in pain.”
So then I remember that for me to worry is sin, because worry is unbelief, and worry signifies that I don't believe that God is for me. Worry announces that I am disobedient to the truth. His truth. The One who is truth. The One who is for me.
But all I have is worry, so then I remember what Kay Arthur just taught me, that I am a helpless, ungodly sinner. Then it makes sense. That is why I worry anyway, even though I don't want to. I sin because I am a sinner. I am helpless to help myself because I am helpless. God likes that because then He can work. He can work in impotent people. “When I am weak, then I am strong, therefore I glory in my weakness.” Because that is when the life of Christ can work into a person His very Self, through the Holy Spirit by faith.
I am in the center of God's will. The place that James says to rejoice in. The wonderful perfect spot where God is working inside of me to change the very nature of who I am. To rearrange the chemicals in my brain so that neurons fire differently and in different places. I am in the place where my dependency of God is greater than it has ever been before in this certain area of temptation for my flesh. I am alone with my sin. And my sin is ever before me. I am a sinner. I confess my sin of unbelief and God is there, ready to supply me with what I need, the medicine of His forgiveness, His mercy, His recognition of my lack, His Almighty power as raindrops of grace. His hand that calms the sea and quiets the storm.
One problem is that it doesn't make sense that God would allow me to have such pain and confusion. The problem is that on the one hand I know that God is good and God is for me and God is working all things together for my will and that the trial is an opportunity. However, on the other hand, I feel pain and I am afraid. Truly afraid because I have no where to rest myself, because of the whirlwind and the tornado and that there is no where to place my feet. No where to go to be comforted. I can't go to God in the traditional way that I know Him because to me He has changed. But He has not changed, but my view of Him was wrong and I am having to reconcile the difference. I am having to hold to the knowledge of all that He is that is good and perfect and sovereign and at the same time suspend my confusion that contradicts the knowledge of His goodness. And just believe anyway. It isn’t a mighty or grand thing to do, because I have no where else to go. Just like Moses didn’t have anywhere else to o but across the Red Sea.
Job said, "Though He slay me, I will trust in Him." Job trusted in a God that took away everything that was good in His life until He had nothing left except a nag who told him to curse God and die.
I am afraid that I really hate where I am right now and I want to get mad like a little girl and stomp my foot and scream an holler until I get my way. The problem is, I have found that God is not to be manipulated like my parents were. I found that God is displeased with that type of grumbling. I know that if I do that I am acting spoiled, and I am not acting in a becoming way before the Lord. Oh, life is so hard! I am afraid that God will not fix this situation that I am finding myself in. I am afraid that it will get worse before it gets better. I am mad because I don’t think the problem is my fault. However, the problem exposes my sin that I spoke of in this blog the last couple of entries. The problem is that I have sin and error and problems of character and emotional instability that God is correcting through using difficult circumstances, so like Paul I can be content in whatever the circumstances.
My prayer is that God would have mercy on me in my circumstances. My prayer is that God would relieve the circumstances. My prayer is that I would know Him in the midst of the circumstances. My prayer is that I would be imparted with His grace to handle the trial. My prayer is to have less and less of myself and more and more of Him. My prayer is to thank Him for the trial through which He is reshaping my very personality. My prayer is that I would honor Him before the principalities and powers that are at war in the heavens by my steadfast spirit. My prayer is that I would not faint. My prayer is that my faith would grow brighter with each passing day until the light of the midday sun. My prayer is that His grace would be greater, that my faith would be greater. My prayer is that I would be obedient to each step of this life of faith. My prayer is that I would not be a disappointment to Him. My prayer is that I would stand, and having done everything, to stand -"stand therefore."
I would love you to pray for me. My spirit wants you to pray in the grandiose ways cited above. My simple and fragile self, just says, “help, I am afraid and in pain.”
posted by An Ordinary Christian | 8:20 PM
5 Comments:
I just got through reading your post, then decided to read the last four or five and wow, you ministered to me.
This week something was revealed to me that I was totally unprepared for. I was shocked, dismayed, in unbelief. I even questioned God. I would never in my wildest dreams believe I could be going through this.
I am thankful my husband is there with me, he too is in shock. I am not at liberty to share exactly what has happened, but it totally rocked my world and I didn't know if I could survive, I have cried and then I went to acceptance, and now I feel numb.
But to sum this up, you encouraged me today and I can rest in knowing as I am "free falling" He is there to catch me! I am resigned to the fact that He is in control and He knows and is hurt also, but the thing is He knows the WHY of it all.
We are all on the same path this week. Everything seems to be coming to a pass or fail moment and I feel like I'm failing. When I had my eyes on the road this morning and both kids in the car, I said a prayer for my situation and afterwards, I rounded a corner and read these words on the side of a truck in big, bold blue letters: "Jesus Christ can help, He is the real answer." I kid you not. They were the only words written on both sides of the truck and there was a phone number on the back. I think it was a moving company. I took a pic of the words on my cell phone and showed it to my husband when he got home from work. It didn't seem to mean anything to him, but it did to me. I know God's with us. I feel His love today. Thank you, Jesus! I will pray for you tonight!
Matthew 18:20
"Where two are more are gathered, there am I in the midst of them"...rest in the knowledge that more then two are praying for you.
He know the desires of your heart!
May God bless you in every way, Andrea.
My prayers are with you.
much love and hugs, dear sister.
God's Grace.
Praying for you, dear sister....agreeing with you and your grandiose prayer...however it may appear...do not fear, He is in control and you could never, be a disappointment to Him...You are hidden in His dear Son...
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