Feelings of shame in a mire of clay
I feel like griping about my mother, and all my trials and let-downs about how my needs aren't met in a relationship with her. But I won't. Instead I'll briefly mention how I applied the Bible Study lecture last night, and then move on to positive comments with regards to my husband.
Abraham gave Lot the best choice of land, when he didn't even have to give him any land. He had God's perspective. He desired peace in the family rather than asserting his own rights. In the beginning it looked like Lot made out. But in the end, Lot ended up with nearly nothing whereas Abraham was blessed in many ways and with many things. I will forgo doing what I wanted to do (invite my biological relatives to a party next year) because my mom really can't hang with that. (I was adopted as a baby.) I feel sorry for my biological relatives, because they all have such broken lives. My husband are going to have a big party next year and I wanted to invite all my relatives that I know and who raised me, but I also wanted to have an "opportunity" to invite all my biological relatives (that I located about 6 years ago). I have kept those biological relationships pretty distant, so there isn't any confusion with my immediate family (children)or with the people who raised me (adoptive relatives). The people who raised me are my "real" family, but I do have a heart for the people that I share blood with. I feel like I was rescued from the Titanic and they weren't. They all have broken lives and broken relationships, and in my mind it would be nice to just let people meet and let there be a rebuilding, or at least to be a light of what God can do.
With the adoption of Matt (Lord willing), and maybe another boy in the future, I thought it would allow him (them) a nice perspective for me to have a relationship with everybody.
So, my idea was to ask my mom her opinion if I should invite the biological relatives - if she would ever like to meet them, etc. She sounded a little negative, but not overwhelmed or anything. In fact, we had a really good conversation about the matter, or so I thought at the time. Well, two days later she calls me, on the verge of tears, saying that I don't realize that she loves me. "You and Johnny (my brother - also adopted) are all I've got! If anything were ever to happen to you, I would be devistated...we (she and my grandmother, age 92) don't want to be thrown to the sidelines as if we're nothing...I don't think you realize how much we love you..." I told her not to get carried away with conclusions that she knows not to be true, etc. She says, "You're a psychiatrist, I know you told me that you don't do family, but sometimes I need you to be my psychiatrist." (I feel like telling her, "Mom, I'm the daughter. You're the parent. Quit putting me into this role that I'm not to be in. Can't I just be the kid? (no, never)." I speak quietly, in a non-controversial and soothing manner and we conclude the conversation with my reminding them that I know that I am loved and they know that I love them, so quit saying like I don't, in not so many words. I decided then not to invite the bio relatives to the party, but resist calling her back and telling her so. I haven't told her yet, but I won't be inviting the bio relaitves to the party. That just ain't gonna fly.
In my opinion, when a baby is adopted, the parent has issues (and the kid, but I'm not talking about that right now). The parent, at least in most situations, has to deal with the fact that she was unable to have her own biological children and also has to deal with the fact that her child comes from another biological heritage. The parent can ignore both of these issues and just put on the kid the burden to make like these two issues don't even exist, and lay on the guilt trip that it is the kid's responsibility to pretend like they don't exist, out of respect and honor for the one who raised you. Okay. I'll pretend. But don't go asking how I feel.
The other day on the phone, when I was asking her opinion about whether to invite the biological relatives, she asked me, "you've been troubled about being adopted, haven't you? It's troubled you." Normally I would blow her off and minimize/avoid how I feel with her, because she is like a black widow spider in some respects, if I can use such an anology respectfully (okay, this blog will never have a future with her ever seeing this...since she can never see it - ) when it comes to how she interacts with me and my emotions. But I forgot about that red dot under her belly, and I told her, "yes, I've been troubled about it." She asked me more questions, and I answered her, feeling very vulnerable, but brave too, as I inadvertantly allowed myself into her web. She said, "I'm so glad that you shared with me, because I knew these things bothered you, but you would never tell me." I said, "I wasn't always strong enough and I didn't always understand enough, to tell you these things." Okay fine. So I went to bed happy that my mom and I have had "healing" in our relationship.
That takes us back to what I was just talking about, the fact that two days later she calls me on the phone, manipulating me saying that my grandmother thinks that I don't love her because of our conversation that she overheard. So my grandmother gets on the phone and in response to my question sounds very confused and taken back, "what do you mean I don't think you love me? What are you talking about?"
I said some disrespectful things about my mom today in the blog, I suppose. Do you think so? I'm not planning on her knowing that I said these things, let alone that I feel these things. I know nobody in blog land will tell her. See, she can't deal with the reality that I FEEL CERTAIN things. But the reality is, she did distort me, who I was created to be, by her emotional manipulation when I was a child. She wouldn't let me be me! Who I was created to be and it hurt me a lot. If my emotions didn't look the way she wanted then to look, she would threaten to leave me, which really, really freaked me out. So, I lost for a while part of the core of who I am, because I honored her and her needs. Many years later, God has healed me, and brought back a lot of that core person of who I really am, not who I pretended to be, who I was to satisfy her needs of me. I had to do that, or she would reject me. And I was only a kid. An adopted kid who was "rejected" once already.
The whole event of the last two days rekindled the memories of all of our past. No, healing did not happen in the conversation with my mother two days ago. It was another day in the way it always has been. An apparent "change" but more of the same. Oh, and I brought up again about how we were going to adopt Matt (2 days ago on the phone with her). She was negative. "Well, I don't see why you have to go and do that. But oh well, it's not up to me. But to me, I just don't see it."
Dear Lord Jesus, I didn't intend to get into all of these details. I am so sorry for dishonoring her, if that is what I am doing - but this is what happened and to ignore it or not understand it or not explain it at least to myself is like sufforcating me with a plastic bag or sticking me in a tupperware bowl in the fridge for 100 years until there is nothing but mold left. Lrd, protect me from the wrath of my mother. Or help me not to be so afraid of it. Oh God, you are my God and there is no other. Please do not have discord in my family. Lord, I am not going to invite the biological relatives to the party and I feel comfortable that is your will. But my heart longs for completeness where there is brokenness, for facts where there is disguise, for reality, oh Lord. Help me to be like Abraham and chose peace and your perspective. To give up my own rights, but I don't even have "rights" since my mom did adopt me and she does have the rights. Help me not to be like Lot and chose the best land and the hell with everybody else. But Lord, I do know that you will use this situation in the future. Bring peace to my family that raised me, and continue to be with my biological relatives. Be with Matt and Brent, whereever they are and whatever they are doing. Help Brad and I to love their biological relatives, and to have wisdom how to interact with them - wise as serpent and innocent as doves. Help us to pray for their wholeness and salvation and to realize who these boys are - their complete picture, to be a guide and a help to them, not a hinderence, or a manipulation to get our needs met. Let us lay down our needs and serve, oh Lord. Be with me four beautiful biological children. I am so blessed with what you are doing in their lives. They are like a lovely dream to me. Thank you, and go with me today and in all of these matters. In Jesus' name, amen. Tomorrow hopefully I will talk about my husband and the lovely thing that the Lord is doing. God bless.
Abraham gave Lot the best choice of land, when he didn't even have to give him any land. He had God's perspective. He desired peace in the family rather than asserting his own rights. In the beginning it looked like Lot made out. But in the end, Lot ended up with nearly nothing whereas Abraham was blessed in many ways and with many things. I will forgo doing what I wanted to do (invite my biological relatives to a party next year) because my mom really can't hang with that. (I was adopted as a baby.) I feel sorry for my biological relatives, because they all have such broken lives. My husband are going to have a big party next year and I wanted to invite all my relatives that I know and who raised me, but I also wanted to have an "opportunity" to invite all my biological relatives (that I located about 6 years ago). I have kept those biological relationships pretty distant, so there isn't any confusion with my immediate family (children)or with the people who raised me (adoptive relatives). The people who raised me are my "real" family, but I do have a heart for the people that I share blood with. I feel like I was rescued from the Titanic and they weren't. They all have broken lives and broken relationships, and in my mind it would be nice to just let people meet and let there be a rebuilding, or at least to be a light of what God can do.
With the adoption of Matt (Lord willing), and maybe another boy in the future, I thought it would allow him (them) a nice perspective for me to have a relationship with everybody.
So, my idea was to ask my mom her opinion if I should invite the biological relatives - if she would ever like to meet them, etc. She sounded a little negative, but not overwhelmed or anything. In fact, we had a really good conversation about the matter, or so I thought at the time. Well, two days later she calls me, on the verge of tears, saying that I don't realize that she loves me. "You and Johnny (my brother - also adopted) are all I've got! If anything were ever to happen to you, I would be devistated...we (she and my grandmother, age 92) don't want to be thrown to the sidelines as if we're nothing...I don't think you realize how much we love you..." I told her not to get carried away with conclusions that she knows not to be true, etc. She says, "You're a psychiatrist, I know you told me that you don't do family, but sometimes I need you to be my psychiatrist." (I feel like telling her, "Mom, I'm the daughter. You're the parent. Quit putting me into this role that I'm not to be in. Can't I just be the kid? (no, never)." I speak quietly, in a non-controversial and soothing manner and we conclude the conversation with my reminding them that I know that I am loved and they know that I love them, so quit saying like I don't, in not so many words. I decided then not to invite the bio relatives to the party, but resist calling her back and telling her so. I haven't told her yet, but I won't be inviting the bio relaitves to the party. That just ain't gonna fly.
In my opinion, when a baby is adopted, the parent has issues (and the kid, but I'm not talking about that right now). The parent, at least in most situations, has to deal with the fact that she was unable to have her own biological children and also has to deal with the fact that her child comes from another biological heritage. The parent can ignore both of these issues and just put on the kid the burden to make like these two issues don't even exist, and lay on the guilt trip that it is the kid's responsibility to pretend like they don't exist, out of respect and honor for the one who raised you. Okay. I'll pretend. But don't go asking how I feel.
The other day on the phone, when I was asking her opinion about whether to invite the biological relatives, she asked me, "you've been troubled about being adopted, haven't you? It's troubled you." Normally I would blow her off and minimize/avoid how I feel with her, because she is like a black widow spider in some respects, if I can use such an anology respectfully (okay, this blog will never have a future with her ever seeing this...since she can never see it - ) when it comes to how she interacts with me and my emotions. But I forgot about that red dot under her belly, and I told her, "yes, I've been troubled about it." She asked me more questions, and I answered her, feeling very vulnerable, but brave too, as I inadvertantly allowed myself into her web. She said, "I'm so glad that you shared with me, because I knew these things bothered you, but you would never tell me." I said, "I wasn't always strong enough and I didn't always understand enough, to tell you these things." Okay fine. So I went to bed happy that my mom and I have had "healing" in our relationship.
That takes us back to what I was just talking about, the fact that two days later she calls me on the phone, manipulating me saying that my grandmother thinks that I don't love her because of our conversation that she overheard. So my grandmother gets on the phone and in response to my question sounds very confused and taken back, "what do you mean I don't think you love me? What are you talking about?"
I said some disrespectful things about my mom today in the blog, I suppose. Do you think so? I'm not planning on her knowing that I said these things, let alone that I feel these things. I know nobody in blog land will tell her. See, she can't deal with the reality that I FEEL CERTAIN things. But the reality is, she did distort me, who I was created to be, by her emotional manipulation when I was a child. She wouldn't let me be me! Who I was created to be and it hurt me a lot. If my emotions didn't look the way she wanted then to look, she would threaten to leave me, which really, really freaked me out. So, I lost for a while part of the core of who I am, because I honored her and her needs. Many years later, God has healed me, and brought back a lot of that core person of who I really am, not who I pretended to be, who I was to satisfy her needs of me. I had to do that, or she would reject me. And I was only a kid. An adopted kid who was "rejected" once already.
The whole event of the last two days rekindled the memories of all of our past. No, healing did not happen in the conversation with my mother two days ago. It was another day in the way it always has been. An apparent "change" but more of the same. Oh, and I brought up again about how we were going to adopt Matt (2 days ago on the phone with her). She was negative. "Well, I don't see why you have to go and do that. But oh well, it's not up to me. But to me, I just don't see it."
Dear Lord Jesus, I didn't intend to get into all of these details. I am so sorry for dishonoring her, if that is what I am doing - but this is what happened and to ignore it or not understand it or not explain it at least to myself is like sufforcating me with a plastic bag or sticking me in a tupperware bowl in the fridge for 100 years until there is nothing but mold left. Lrd, protect me from the wrath of my mother. Or help me not to be so afraid of it. Oh God, you are my God and there is no other. Please do not have discord in my family. Lord, I am not going to invite the biological relatives to the party and I feel comfortable that is your will. But my heart longs for completeness where there is brokenness, for facts where there is disguise, for reality, oh Lord. Help me to be like Abraham and chose peace and your perspective. To give up my own rights, but I don't even have "rights" since my mom did adopt me and she does have the rights. Help me not to be like Lot and chose the best land and the hell with everybody else. But Lord, I do know that you will use this situation in the future. Bring peace to my family that raised me, and continue to be with my biological relatives. Be with Matt and Brent, whereever they are and whatever they are doing. Help Brad and I to love their biological relatives, and to have wisdom how to interact with them - wise as serpent and innocent as doves. Help us to pray for their wholeness and salvation and to realize who these boys are - their complete picture, to be a guide and a help to them, not a hinderence, or a manipulation to get our needs met. Let us lay down our needs and serve, oh Lord. Be with me four beautiful biological children. I am so blessed with what you are doing in their lives. They are like a lovely dream to me. Thank you, and go with me today and in all of these matters. In Jesus' name, amen. Tomorrow hopefully I will talk about my husband and the lovely thing that the Lord is doing. God bless.
posted by An Ordinary Christian | 7:07 AM
4 Comments:
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
May God bless you and may all these things be worked out soon.
You are in my prayers.
God's Grace.
Thanks for sharing your hearts with us through the blog. I certainly don't think you said some disrespectful things about your mom, or that you dishonored her at all. I can so see your love to your mom, which I really admire.
I am sure that the Lord will use this situation in the future for His glory.
God's Peace (Shalom)!
i hope that things work out good for you. keep on praying.
my christmas tree is still standing up in our house. a door shuts and another door was opened. i'll keep you posted.
It sounds to me as if your mother is insecure and afraid she is going to lose you if she shares you with your real mother and relatives.
Unfortunately I find our parents get more insecure as they get older, they feel loneliness and even abandonment because we become busy and don't have the time to spend with them. Their lives have slowed down and ours have sped up.
I don't think you were being disrepectful, I think your mom is thinking of self and you might bring that to her attention while also reassuring her and validating her feelings. It is true we do change roles as our parents get older, we become more like the parent, but when you haven't had your needs met, you always yearn for that validation yourself.
I speak from experience, my mother and I have never been close. No matter how I tried, I could never measure up, and I have finally realized I was only loaned to her, God is my real parent, I belong to Him. I get what I need from Him, when she fails to validate my feelings. I have learned to just love her for who she is and to try to overlook the other, which isn't always that easy to do. For me it seems it is an ongoing trial.
I pray you will one day have the opportunity to bring them all together and they can love one another as Christ has loved us!!! Won't that be an awesome day! I believe it can happen! Let's agree according to Matthew 18:19 and trust God to make it happen.
Hope you have a wonderful week in the Lord. God Bless and Thanks for being such a blessing to me!
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