The view from the tower

I am so happy that I get to sit here and write - even if I do have these new funky fake nails. I am just getting used to them. I like the way that they look. They are not very long for fake nails. I asked the lady for "short, short," so they are medium to short. Next time I will have them shorter and rounded in shape, not squared off. I think that I will get used to them, but I don't really like not being able to feel with my fingernails. Believe it of not, there is more feeling that you have with real than fake nails (not that they ripped off my real nails underneath - I think that you know what I mean). With my new nails, I couldn't pull one of those little labels off my apple. I had to stab the apple with a pen (I was in my car - okay, I can be a little gross - no one is going to die) to be able to catch underneath the label and then pull off the label with my teeth.

Now, completely changing the subject, yesterday I went to bed and wept and wept. I cried so hard that it almost felt as though I were sad. I was not sad at all. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude. I realized that I didn't have to worry and I was so thankful for all that the Lord has done for me. Before, and for so long, I kept trying to do for myself.

I was raised by a worrier-mother. When I found my biological mom, I found that she too was an extreme worrier. Environment and genetics - I had it coming and going. When I acquired a step-mother, she was a worrier, but not so much towards me. My grandmother and my mother-in-law don't worry too much.

When I was a Christian of about ten years, in my early 30's, I was reading the passage in Philippians about not worrying, and although I knew that the words were true, I just couldn't seem to really make them stick and I couldn’t imagine really ever coming to a place that I didn’t worry, since it was such a part of the fabric of who I was.

One of the ways that I combated my worry over the years, for as long as I was an adult was as follows: I would plan. Plan, plan, plan, plan. Organize and list. Plan and think. Categorize and strive. Reach and surpass. Go on and go beyond. Do more and more. More and more. I found that worry was less if I could accomplish something great. Then I wouldn't have to worry about being a nobody. Wouldn't have to worry about my mother leaving me or being disappointed in me or my not having enough money.

Once as a new Christian in my early 20's, I got sick and had to lie in bed with an antibiotic. The fever caused me to just lie really still and quiet. I realized that my mind had been racing so fast for many years. I was continually planning and spinning and going. When I didn't do those things then I had worry.

Over these past few years, my worry level has gone down, down, down, down. Less and less and less and less did I worry. That is why I wrote in my blog last time that I have no security in this world. I don't. But that is okay. Christ holds everything in control. Do you know that He holds all things by the power of His word (Hebrews 1)?

So anyway, last night I was thinking about the verses about how God feeds the birds. I was thinking about how Oswald Chambers wrote that you just got to not worry, and that worry was like a big flood that was out to invade your life and sweep you away all of the time.

My life is literally like a series of driftwood pieces stuck together by a few nails and being thrashed about by waves powerful enough to crush the make-shift raft to bits. But twenty years have gone by and the little raft boat is still the dinky little half sunk, about to go under at any second, held together by who-knows-what-or-how raft boat. Yet, I look around and I see a husband who loves me, I see four children who are beautiful and healthy and know the Lord, are smart and successful. I see a house that I have no right to own that is beautiful. I have memories that are storing up in my mind that are like fragrances of divine perfumes; I hear melodies in my mind of a thousand tongues making beautiful music and I hear the word of the Lord louder and clearer and more perfect and perfectly and completely sufficient for my every need. I find that He is my rich reward. I have no need of anything. I have no stores of grain, built up over the course of years and ready to satisfy my longing for a secure source of bread. I have His rich supply of manna morning upon morning as He feeds me with His right hand.

This morning I barely had a thought in my mind until I was out in the car because I was focused on getting out on time. I entered my car and turned on the radio and out of the box sang, "The name of the Lord is, a strong tower, the righteous run in to it and they are safe." I rejoiced. What a blessing to commune with the Lord.

I don't have to worry because I have the Lord. He loves me and takes perfectly good care of me. Paul said, "And in all things I have learned to be content, in any circumstance, whether in plenty or in want."

The Lord really is our rich reward. Why desire anything above Him? Nothing else will satisfy and why hurt His feelings like that? He is right there and are you just going to turn your heart to another god? Don't You think He yearns for you to just love Him, when He is what you were created to love? Yes Lord, I’ll take You and Your provision. Help me to trust in Your goodness. Lord, help me to not be afraid, but to be strong and courageous. To look to the eternal, not the temporary. To not be afraid when the waves build up, but to walk on the water with You, my strong tower in the sea.