"So what's up with the adoption stuff?"

To summarize:

Back in July of 2005, I was listening to Christmas music in my car. I had the CD "WOW Christmas music" playing. I was in the habit of skipping over and around the Tobymac song, "This Christmas," because it was hauntingly depressing. It struck me as a song about little girls and boys who don't have any family for Christmas, and what are you going to do about it? How are you going to enjoy your Christmas while you just ignore others with no Christmas? I got over this avoidance-of-the-song problem and thought to myself, "that's silly," and was just listening to the music.

Have you ever thought that God spoke to you? I thought that God spoke to me in 1984 when He impressed to me, "you need to decide what side you are on," and kicking and screaming (emphasize kicking and screaming - I only chose God because God made it clear that hell was a really bad alternative)and I became a reluctant Christian.

I believe God spoke to me when I read the Bible in 1985 as I read Phillipians 1:4 that "He who began a good work in you would finish it until the day of Christ Jesus" and that it was God encouraging me to continue in my studies to become a doctor, that He would be with me.

I believe that the Lord spoke to me as He showed me comfort through II Corthinthians, "in order that you may comfort others with any affliction," as I sat in my car with tears and a Bible and wondered if God could help me in my situation, in my pain and agony.

I thought that God spoke to me when He lead me to believe that He was going to be with me as I became a doctor, and every patient I helped, that it was going to be God there helping - that He was going to work through me, and that yes, I would make it through the boards.

I believe God spoke to me day after day, week after week and month after month and yes, year after year, when I opened that little NIV Bible on the L train in Philadelphia in the late 1980's. When I read Isaiah, Hosea, Romans and other passages, God was there telling me, "you got to believe me on this, come on, Andrea, yes, it is Me, believe me on this. I will do to your husband what I will do for Israel. I will draw him with cords of lovingkindness and he will turn to me and I will be His God." Then one day as I sat there in that Clavary Chapel service and Pastor Joe F read from Romans chapter four, about how Abraham believed God, my insides warmed like with a slow burning fire and I just knew God was speaking to me and I had to believe it, that yes, God wanted me to believe that one day my husband would become a Christian. Then, 19 years after going to church alone, my husband began attending church with me. Now his insides are being burned alive during each service as every high and lofty thing lifted up against the knowledge of God is being stripped away, and he sits in that chair and though he has believed, he yet is coming to understand and grasp just how high and wide and great is the love of God for him, and that yes, God does and can love, even him. It's like he still isn't that sure that God really could actually love him. (I bought this picture for my bathroom and it says, "God rejoices over you with singing, and it makes me think about how my husband needs to hear that, and be reminded of that, and how beautiful it is that he is coming to understand that.)

So anyway, there I was on that nice July morning in 2005, driving down the freeway, having just dropped my children off at their summer school program, listening to Tobymac and I got the distinct impression that God said to me, "you're going to do this for a kid at" and the name of my child's boarding school followed next, that we would do it for one of those kids.

I felt overwhelmed because God just spoke to me in a really clear and vivid way! I think that I turned off the music right away, and sat there in awe. Oh my! I felt I needed to respond right away to, like confirm or acknowedge what God just did, build an alter or something. So I called two friends and left voice mails on both of their machines. The first girlfriend is a sweetie who is really my best friend, who loves Jesus, and saw two of my children being born. I remember telling her that years ago I told my husband that I wanted to adopt, but he was not interested in it at all. That is to say that right then in the first few minutes after God spoke to me through the song, adoption came to my mind, not having thought about it since many years before my 15 year-old had been born. The second phone call that I made was to a dean at my children's school. I think I left some vague message that I don't recall at this time the details.

The wheels started turning and churning, in my mind and in reality. I asked my husband about adopting a child that we could help go to my child's school. He thought it was a good idea and asked that I write the school, which I did. At first we were thinking that we didn't necessarily have to legally adopt a child, but we wanted to be like a surrogate family. We ended up contacting the Kentucky Special Needs Adoption Unit and a local Christian Adoption Agency and completing all of the necessary paperwork to adopt a child. Fingerprints, background study, appointments and meetings with social workers, letters of recommendations, health checks, autobiography writings, etc. Throughout all this, it seemed that God had the doors wide open.

This period of time was so exciting for me because it felt like God was moving in my life, and not me begging God to move on my behalf. It was something that He drummed up and I was following where I thought He was leading and all the doors were open and the whole prospect of adopting and aquiring another child filled me with joy! My husband, who years ago happened to mention that he would "never" adopt (so I forgot about it), suddenly thought adoption was a good idea, and really seemed motivated to help a child. (I thought that his change of heart was because he actually had a literal "change of heart" yielding his life to Christ in more recent times). People that we had to approach thought the idea was great and wrote glowing letters of recommendation. The homestudy went well. Next thing we knew we were on the final list to adopt Matt. Then we were not chosen to adopt Matt.

So this is where things are at now: After being declined to adopt Matt (yet we were selected apparently from a large stack of very good home studies to be one of three ideal families), I emailed the social workers there in Kentucky and told them that us picking a child was too difficult for us, and they, having our homestudy information, and having got to know us, probably know best what child would be best in our home. I told them our original idea was to help a child that would be a good candidate for that school, but of course, we wouldn't necessarily have them go to the school, just if it seemed to be a good fit. I told them that we wanted to help any child in need, but we are an academically focused family, and so a child with at least an average IQ would probably be best. I mentioned that we would be very interested in a child who was interested in the things of God and Jesus, because we are a Christian family. Guess what I heard back? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

It makes me wonder if the agency really wants to let the children be adopted out. With all of the special needs children, not ONE child would benefit from having a real family to bless them and send them through private Christian School and college? (We mentioned that we were interested in helping an older child through high school and college.) Not one child.

Meanwhile, I had cc'd a copy of that email that I sent to the Kentucky agency to my husband, along with the "thank you for your interest" email rejection notice that I got from them regarding Matt. My husband and I talked about it a few days later. My husband said, "I've been thinking about that and I don't think that I want to do that anymore, to adopt." Well, of course not. Do you know how hard it is to pick a child from a web site and begin to pray over that child and begin to think of that child amongst your family and then not get that child? We had already thought about a child named Brent, and then there was Matt. Then there is no response from the agency to our open request to adopt any child in need, providing some loose criteria. Logic would tell you that you don't feel like putting yourself through that anymore.

It was hard on me spiritually, because I wondered why God took us all along the freeway to drop us off at a "how did we get here?" sort of destination. I recalled the book that I read and re-read over the summer, "Experiencing God," by Blackby. I remembered how he said that when God seems to speak to you, but then you get lost and wonder what happened, go back to the place that you were sure that He spoke to you last.

That takes me back on that freeway in July of 2005. I think that God spoke to me that we would be "doing that" (like in the song, helping someone with no family) for a kid who went to my daughter's school. I think that God told me that. I think that He told me what He was going to do. In response to what He said, I prepared myself to receive the gift the He was going to give us. When I prepared myself I found open door upon open door until suddenly all the door slammed shut. But God said what He was going to do. So now I don't need to do to anything anymore at this time. He said what He was going to do. I did all I could do to prepare myself to receive what He is going to do. Now it is time to wait.

Doesn't it remind you of Abraham? God said what He was going to do, and it excited Abraham and Sarah so much, but they couldn't wait and they figured that they had to help God out, and came up with the "have sex with my maid" idea. When there comes a time and there is nothing left to do, there is nothing left to do but wait. That is where we are at. That is where I am at. Because now God has to work because clearly my husband is a bit turned off at this point. He wanted to help, but now I think he wants to help if it is clear that he is able to help - only if he is asked, or wanted to provide help. He isn't going to go begging to help when nobody wants any help. Who wants that kind of rejection?

Who knows what God will do? Not me. However, though I don't know when, and I don't know how, I don't know who and I don't know why, but this I know. What God says, God is able to do. Do I KNOW that I heard God perfectly? No, I don't need to know that anyway. I think I heard God. If I did hear God, then He will do what He said that He will do. I have responded to His call by doing all that I knew to logically to do, and now there is nothing more than I am to logically do but wait and be still and know that He is God. He will act when and how He wants and in the mean time, I can rest, rest, rest as a child of God and enjoy this time with the blessed and wonderful family that God has given me.

After God sopke to Abraham, Abraham waited like 13 years or something before hearing form God again. Then there was another delay. And when Ishmael was born, Abraham thought initially that he was the promised child but it was through Isaac that the promise would come. It is God's efforts that are blessed, not man's efforts.

I yeild myself to God and thank Him for the great things that He has done. He has really changed me through these past several months. I am relieved in a way that we have just our four children at this time, at least in part because I perpetually look at the bright side of things. It is a nasty habit. No, it is a wonderful habit. God makes all things work together for the good for those who love God and are the called according to His purposes. Thank y'all for praying and being with me though these past several months. His purposes will stand and He will do what He purposes in our lives. Praise Him in His holiness. Thank you God, that You do as You want in all of the earth.