Still as crazy today as yesterday ("while we look, not to the things that are seen, but are unseen...")

Well, things are better with my mom and I, and my distress over that matter that I wrote about in yesterday's blog. I told her that I wouldn't be inviting the biological relatives to that party. "Oh, okay," she said to me. "I hope it wasn't on my account, because you do what you want to do." Regarding L,L,L comment to me in the last blog/comments section, yes, I will agree in prayer that God may have it happen one day - that we pray it would happen, in unity in Christ! And this party is actually a year away, for my husband's 50th birthday party - a crab feed, so there is still time, plenty of it, but at this point I won't be inviting the biological relatives unless she asks me to. And that could happen. There will be also other events that will come up in the future too, so I'll leave it in God's hands.

This thing with my mother that sprang up, and the scare with cancer seem both like distractions aimed at throwing me off.

Yesterday was a really hard day. An unexpected event happened near the end of the day that really disturbed me. I hadn't been feeling well anyway. For two days I have had this headache on and off. I decided to rest in bed - go to bed early. There I cried, turned on the light and read a little, meditated on a verse (Rom 10:11: "Anyone who trusts in Him will never be put to shame," isn't that great?), turned off the light, cried, fell asleep for a few minutes and woke up in a startle that I was driving and about to rear-end a car, cried, read, light on, light off. Phone rang about five times. Trying to be polite to a phone solicitor is useless - I said, "don't make me hang up on you - and I had to hang up as he didn't hear what I was telling him and spoke faster and faster.

My friend who I pray with on Wednesday mornings called and wanted to pray then instead, so we did. I wanted to share what was bothering me, but felt I really couldn't. I feel like nobody is strong enough to really sustain me when I am weak, except God and my husband. Everybody else flips out, because they expect me to be strong. Because I am stronger than them, and if I feel weak, they don't know how to handle it, which I think is really dumb. Also, I don't like being weak, because I feel like people are judging me. Also, I remembered what happened just a couple of days before when I was vulnerable to my mother and it blew up two days later. So, we prayed and I prayed and it was good. I wanted to pray again Wednesday morning but didn't ask. It was still a good thing that she called and prayed with me. That was nice.

Two thoughts came into my mind last evening during all of this. One was a thought that the devil tried to get me to think about. It was this: "Is it worth going through all this just to adopt a child?" I said to myself in response, "It isn't about adopting a child. It is about fulfilling God's purpose for my life. It is about following God and what I think is God's will for my life." He wanted me to take my perspective off of God's perspective. It isn't merely about what is happening in the here and now. It is about what is happening in the heavenlies - what is happening for eternity, for all of the big picture that God is working out, for the mystery He is putting together. It's His story. I'm in it. It's not what I am trying to do for myself.

The second thought seemed divinely inspired. It happened later. I was laying in bed having just read from Oswald Chambers daily devotional, Feb 15, "Are you ready to be broken bread and poured out wine for Him? Are you ready that nothing else on this earth matter except that you disciple other people for Christ?" (The second sentence is an approximate quote). I was laying there in my bed feeling broken. I didn't know how to respond to God. I didn't want to beg for a certain prayer, because I didn't want to error and beg for the wrong thing, outside of His perfect will (but I did beg some prayers, carefully - I begged for resolution/completion, and let Him know that I just feel like I can't take this anymore). I just laid there at His mercy. Then the thought came, almost like a voice but it wasn't a voice, but an impression "is preparing for you an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison." To that I stuck my face in the pillow and sobbed. I knew the beginning of that verse "this present trial is preparing for you an eternal weight of glory..." ( II Corth 4:17) The impression - the verse cited in my mind- felt like torture because it was a calling to hang on to the same. Not to throw away my faith, which meant holding on in limbo. Throwing away my faith would be relief. Oh well. No relief. I'm just as crazy today as yesterday.

As I did finally go to sleep for the night (8:30 - 5:15 I got to sleep!), I had a good dream that I was flying. The wind was blowing hard, but steadily, and because of the way the wind was, I could fly. There were people walking on the streets, so as to not bump into them, I flew above them. Then some money fell out of my purse and I had to stop. While there on the sidewalk, a man was there wondering about the money. It seemed there was some controversy about it. Anyway, it was still a good dream.

Gotta go. Hope to check into my blog friends sites tonight. Thanks for listening and holding me up to God and mostly for being a fellow follower of the Way.