There is no need to grab what He gives freely.

I'm getting ready for church now.

You ever think about how when life is really, really hard, it is a time that God is changing your boat in a different direction and it hurts and it is scary? I had a hard time last fall and winter with some financial issues and it was really a problem over my trying to manipulate my husband and a problem over making assumptions about what I thought that was right.

In the end I changed. I changed as I was flat out day after day before the Lord crying with my guts inside out, "Abba Father!" He told me that everything was going to be all right. He was going to bring our family into a new land, a new place where we would not be a curse but a blessing and I needed to keep my working hands strong. He spoke to me through His Word and prayer, not directly really but indirectly. I believed Him and He was able to open my mind to new ideas and concepts.

A new idea is that God has a plan for my life and it does include working and working hard and strong for Him and there is nothing wrong with that.

It is amazing as I witnessed a woman at the hospital scold her daughter yesterday because she was at "my job" (her words) and she needed to ask her father to take her or pick her up from where ever she was. The child wasn't able to find the father and was calling the mother. I felt the rejection and confusion of the daughter, just looking for the parent to help her and the conflict between the parents as to who was going to care about this little detail and the possession of the woman with her job. I felt sad for them and prayed for them a little. I felt SO BLESSED that I don't have ANY of those problems and I don't have a little Saturday job. I have a huge job with a lot of responsibilities where you would think there would be more “grabbiness” and possession of "my job." The Lord has paved the way. There is no need to grab what He gives freely.

Lord, I pray that You would clear the way for my path and sustain me in whatever You would have me to do. I give You my money, my family, my time and my job and thank You SO MUCH that You have so blessed me. I really enjoy how I spend my time and thank You for opening the door. I never would have imagined. You are such a creative God!

Today so far

Today so far I heard the following Bible messages. "Let your light so shine before men that they see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven." I remember when I was a new Christian and read that on a book mark and I almost looked around the room wondering if other people saw what I saw as I read that. It was an amazing thing to me. Also about that same time, as a youth, the Lord gave me a song, but again, there was that amazement, "Is God sending me a message?" This morning while exercising I listened to it a few times. It is called, "Vienna waits for you," where the title says it all. (It is about the fact that you don't have to strive to get there. The "hidden" meaning is that just as in Vienna, a town of great and famous composers, it doesn't matter when you are born, or how fast you work, because the work is exceptional, it will be honored, so don't try to rush the whole deal. I'm not a great composer, but the point is the point, even on a lesser scale.) Also, this morning twice by two separate ways, the same message of realizing that before God, there is no fame on earth, no great glory. Everything will end here on earth and in heaven it is a whole new system. So don't think you are somebody when you are not. Finally, do not do your righteous acts before men to be seen by men but do your righteous acts before your Father to be seen by Him. Yesterday I was really struck by the issue of family, and that theme also continued into this morning also. I am wondering how the Lord may use my inability to adopt a boy or boys last year by transferring some of that bitterness of that loss into an ability to "adopt" and care for people in a family of a work place and at a hospital where people without families are stuggling to get care. Same heart of a Father, of a mother, of me. Lord, let it be.

Who I am

I am an accident of a child who was born into the wrong family twice. I am a sinner who has known the fury or her own rage and wrath as a small child and knows how to kill from the heart. I am ill-equiped, ill-defined and lack self control.

"There's another place, where our Father waits, where every knee shall bow, where sin will have no trace."

I don't expect you to understand. "No, she's not really a sinner like that. She's not really that bad. She ought not to think of herself that way."

What is truth? Truth is reality, whether we like to see it or not.

I prayed today.

I remember when I prayed when I was 28 years old and studying for part I of the National Boards. I had a prayer session with the Lord in which I accepted that He had willed me to be a doctor and He WAS going to see me through and every person I touched and everything I did would be in Jesus' name. It was like an oath that I received from God. That I also gave to God.

Well today, I give a similar oath and receive a similar oath. I am not of myself. Seeing my own lack, my own deep internal sense of who I am is okay. Everybody has fears and knowledge like I do. So what? Covering it up is just silly. God takes and uses the weak things of the world to profound the wise. He loves the simple. "Do not be wise in your own understanding." God will be with me and He will enable me to stand and He will fulfill His purpose for my life in HIm for the Son's glory and eternal purpose that I can not fully understand at all.

So God, be with me and be my legs so that I amy stand. Be my arms that I may give. Be my hope that I may live and love and be my heart so I may go forth in power and in truth. Fulfill Your purpose for my life. I am Yours alone.

"Every knee will bow, and sin will have no trace as we see His face and stand in His amazing grace."

"Called"

Once the President said, before he was president, that he said that he thought that he has been "called" to be President. That is the way I feel about this job position, if I in fact get it.

During this time of waiting, I've been praying and seeking the Lord. The waiting has been really hard, like feeling you are suspended in mid air about to dive into a lake, but you don't know if it will be the beautiful cool watered lake you want, or one that is less desirable.

As I've have been waiting on Him and seeking His will and wanting His best I have come to realize that there is no way on God's green earth that He will be making anything other than completely orchestrated moves on my behalf for His glory and for His purposes that He has prepared beforehand that I might walk in them. And that is wonderful. I can rest in that. I can walk in Him, trying to understand what pleases the Lord and making the most of every opportunity.

Inspiration

Does anyone have a husband that drives them nuts? But then again, someone that you are so glad that you do not have to live without? Along those same lines, does anyone ever feel like you wished things were different and you just wished that you could make it happen that way, some other dramatic way, but then you know that you are not going to do differently, because the love of Christ constrains you? You know that you have to keep perservering, because you are working for the glory of the King?

It has been a hard week, with applying for this special position and everything. On the other hand, I have been praying alot! Anyway, I went out to dinner tonight and my husband inspired me. And I feel better again. For now. Still waiting for the job and wondering, "Why wouldn't they hire me?"

Follow up

Read the last entry if you haven't yet. Anyway, church yesterday was so awesome. I had emailed my pastor and a couple close friends my blog entry from last time to ask for their prayer support and let them know what was happening. I feel so supported.

The sermon yesterday at church was so on target for what I am going through, and applicable for my fear that I face at times. It was about that God does not give us a spirit of fear but of, what is that verse? Of faith and power and a sound mind. Also, that God puts words in our mouths when we don't know what to say, so we don't have to pre-plan everything or worry. Also, it was about how our testimony of our Christian witness in behavior and deed is a purifying influence in the community and a restraining influence until/before the time of tribulation. It encouraged me with boldness of standing firm in Him. It also encouraged me for the struggles that are at the hospital and gave me insights.

I was studying the Bible last week and the NIV in I Corinthians chapter 2 spoke of God's "manifestation of His Spirit for the common good" in "messages of wisdom," and "messages of knowledge" Also, the morning before my the lunch meeting to discuss my being the Medical Director of the hospital, I read in Ephesians Chapter 1 about God giving us wisdom and a spirit of revelation in Him. I found these verses to encourage me and to guide me and explain that God Himself was/is manifesting Himself, "for the common good." I am encouraged that God is bearing His fruit and maybe I don't see it because I am not putting the (flesh) effort into the process, but just staying connected to the Vine. It's His work.

I just sat there in church and was thinking, "I can't believe that this is happening to me."

I used to feel that I was dying a slow and painful death, year upon year of my personal misery and misfortune. Life was so hard. That was years ago when I had such struggles and was new in my faith. I tried to do things, and accomplish things in my flesh and when opportunities were not granted me I was so let down and crushed. Finally, I found my strength in the Lord and peace and life there and frankly, sort of, at times, forgot about the rest.

But secretly the longing for certain opportunities were there, semi-dormant inside of me. I covered those seeds with my own shame of having them. But is God's seed that wouldn't correctly grow in and of my own effort. It is God's fruit.

So, anyway, the meeting for the Medical Directorship went fabulous. I think anyway. May God complete the work that He has begun in me.


There is a great song that we sang at church yesterday. Some of the phrases go like this:

"I'm satisfied by Your love so completely,
How can I thirst for the praises of men?"

"Such peace and contentment I've found in your grace,
I can't think why I've ever complained,
I'm sustained."

"I don't need men's applause,
when I wonder my worth,
I remember the cross,
I'm sustained."

"When Your light surrounds me, the world goes away."

Pray that God would lead and direct the rest of the process! Thanks!

"But by My Spirit"

I don't like roller coasters. My family loves the Six Flag Theme Parks, but not me. I hate roller coasters. But I love the excitement of life and that feels like a roller coaster sometimes.

I suppose I do love those sudden turns and drops. My adrenaline soars and I guess I am addicted to my own endorphins.

My mind has been spinning the last several nights. One thing after another. Go, go, go. Then I drop off to sleep or in the day, settle myself with a cup of Venti decafe and a ten minute break between attractions.

My children are doing fabulous, but I don't want to get into that right now. I suppose only to say that God is building them up to be leaders. He is building me up to be a leader. But somewhere inside of me, like between my ears and my knees, I know that am not equipped.

But then I remember David and Goliath, Daniel and the Lion's Den, my own past successes in Him, and I think about my King, the King of Kings. My Lord. He is the Master in the Air Tower Control Center and He does whatever He wants. He makes rich and brings down low. He has called me to a time such as this. I will yield to Him and His pleasure because it is not by my might, strength or power, but it is by the Spirit of the Lord, says the Lord of Hosts.

So, here I go.

I am tall enough to ride this ride. Tall enough to reach for the stars. Old enough to fly. Wise enough to lose myself to the only One who holds the whole world in His hands.

There is a new position that is opening up at my work and I am applying for it. Let me be more blunt. It is the main doctor who runs the place and oversees the other doctors. That is the position that is opening up.

I don’t work in a large hospital, but there are probably 12 or 14 doctors there daily. The current medical director is stepping down May 1st. I have been his temporary replacement when he has been gone before. I have been secretly waiting for this position for years. I think that I am in the best strategic position to actually get the job. The current Medical Director has recommended me to be the new Medical Director and I think that CEO wants to see me in this position. She wants to meet with me out for lunch Thursday. To talk about my interest in being the Acting Medical Director and then permanent Medical Director. However, there is a process that will roll out for probably a couple of months and other people will apply for the position. And if I am given this stewardship, there will be arrows aimed at my head, because that is the nature of leadership.

Meanwhile, there is a two and a half week vacation scheduled for me and my daughter that is in the middle of what seems to be the “wrong” time, but do I not know? God is the ruler of all things, over time and the epochs. He is not surprised about the time glitch.

As I look back over my life, do I not see that there have always been the in-your-face distractions that seem so big at the time but aren’t big with the passing of the moment?

Oh my prayer for myself this next day and the upcoming days and months! That God’s hand would bless me! Because I have asked and because I want to do His will and be pleasing to Him, not to just spend success on my own lusts but I desire His pleasure. He has my life and He owns my time. He may do what He wants with me, and as He has given me this day and this daily serving of bread; I will put to my lips and eat with pleasure. I will swallow the goodness He has brought to my taste. Oh, the honey He has given to me. Yet, I will not desire the king’s food, but be satisfied with what the Lord Himself feeds me. I do not want the things of this world or the passing pleasures of sin for a season. I want to fellowship with the Spirit of the Lord forever and sit with Him and dine with my Father in His presence forever.

So, bless your servant, Father. As Jesus asked Peter to lower the nets for a catch, so I lower my net. Are You not asking dear Lord? Is this not Your voice I hear and that I hearken to?

Fill up my boat with blessing too great for me alone to carry! May those around me have their boats filled also, and my Your bountiful hand come to us. May Your wrath be far from us, and may Your goodness go out before us, that we would walk in Your ways and seek to bless those around us with Your love and patience.

May my response be that of Peter’s when You filled His boat with the fish – on his face like a dead man – for You alone are God and You alone are holy and I, oh my God, am a sinful man! The separation from me and You ought to be so great for Thou art holy and I am not. Yet You have chosen to dine with me and have provided the means to that communion by Your own blood. You choose the weak and simple things of this world to profound the wise. You show the administration in the heavenlies that Thou art great and Your wisdom alone stands.

So in my weakness, in the space between my ears and my knees that is jellyfish, You alone be my ever present help in time of need.

I will go. Go with me, go. Teach me and I will hear You, for You art my great God and Your pleasure is my desire because communion with You is the fullness of life while I am on earth.

Bless my meeting tomorrow and the upcoming meetings and bring Your servant into the position You desire. For it is You alone whom I serve and I am unworthy, but I am so happy really, because I am Your workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works that Thou has prepared beforehand that I might walk in them.

Great is the glory of God and all those on earth and in the heavens shall one day see it as our Lord returns to rule and reign with His people forever. Amen.

The Name of the Lord is a Strong Tower and She that Runs into Him is Safe

I woke up this morning and kept saying that to myself (see title above).

You know, isn't it interesting all of the people who aren't interested in the things of God? Don't they think? Don't they realize that it is all going to end and they are going to stand before a Living God? Today's activities are the foundation for our future life in eternity! It is important!

Anyway, when I got home from my little, but long, trip yesterday, I was filled with the emotions of Genesis 3:16. That is, the feeling that my husband is really annoying. That I can't keep giving to everyone. (Hold your applause.)

I know that God has pushed me to be going in the way that I am going and that He has prepared beforehand certain works that I am to walk in.

Yesterday morning in the plane, before I got home, I was reading in Oswald Chambers that when we know God's nature, and when our life intersects God's nature, and we understand that nature as it pertains to us and our service to Him, then we are in a position to receive from Him His power and His enabling to do the work of service unto Him. And in that position, we are actually doing God's work and not simply acting in of ourselves to do what we think a God might like from our flesh.

Therefore, I don't really expect others to appreciate or understand that God is instructing me, so to speak, to do things for God that do not make sense from a common sense logical "Christendom" perspective, because the things I do, do not make sense to my logic. But I feel compelled that what I do is from God and He expects me to fulfill certain duties.

Contained within these duties is being a leader in the hospital where I work and being a leader in my home to be the worker that God has called me to do. I want to be a leader and God, I believe, has called me to be a leader also. Not to be a leader in the sense of a self-entitled witch who demands certain behavior changes in my husband and family members. Oh no. I suppose that would be easy, or at least that appears to be the natural flow of things.

I am to be a leader who waits upon the Lord for His fulfillment of His nature to be found in the members of this household. A leader who stands firm, not persuaded by fleeting emotions from the pit of hell or from the pit of my flesh. A leader who does what she can to maintain the best perspective, the accurate perspective that all things are working together for the good because I love God, because I am the called according to His good pleasure.

You know, images are important. Images on TV sell. Drink Coke. Got Milk? Mom puts forth certain images too. That she is the same today, yesterday and forever, in Christ. That she is always loving, all patient, and always kind. It's hard but it's important. It isn't always possible, but today I am hanging in there, maintaining the image that is an accurate reflection of God Himself, in so much as it depends upon me to carry it forth, yet not of myself but of God, as I hide in His tower of His name, the tower of strength.

So I yield and let God be God. I work my work and pull up my boot straps and go. I don't look where I just get discouraged, but I look unto Him who is worthy. For today.

Amazing Grace

Can you ever get over God's grace? That He is satisfied with us? That there isn't anything we can do to earn His love? That He will never, no not ever, forsake us? I will never have to wake up from this dream. Jesus Christ has taken care of absolutely everything, so I thank You and praise You, Father. Amen.