Aug 30,2005

Dear Jesus,
Hold me in Your arms,
Wrap me in a pastel blanket,
Let me rest like a baby,
While You take care of the world for me.
You've got the whole thing under Your control
And I can hear the peace of Your beating heart while I sleep,
While I sleep quietly at the bottom of the boat with my sleeping Jesus
Who holds the world in His control,
I know soon,
I'll wake to find,
Your wholesome face
Has never stopped staring into mine.
And I will worship You
And I will worship You
And I will worship You forever,
My Lord and my very best Friend.

aug 29 2005

I have but a few moments, but I did have time to pray for you who signed on to this site under yesterday's entry - thanks, you're a blessing! Faith is a substance (Heb 11) and it is impossible to please God w/o it (Heb 11). So when it hurts to believe, and you do anyway, 'cause you trust that He is good and He knows what He's doing, you got the right stuff!

August 28,2005

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, 'to give you a future and a hope.' " Jer.

"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will lift you up." 1Pet. 4

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart." Prov.

Today is a gift. We don't know what tommorow holds. But we do know Who holds tomorrow.

August 26, 2005

Heb 6:12 "We do not want you to become lazy...but...inherit what has been promised." NIV

Well, if somebody told me not be be lazy, and then told me to get to work, I would understand what they were asking. Like my 92 year old grandmother for example, she was a heard worker all of her life, and would tell me frequently when I grew up, not to play, but to work. When she called somebody, "lazy," it was a real put-down in her mind. And nobody ever called her lazy, that's for sure. No, she was the hardest worker around, right up into her late eighties.

So when I read, "don't be lazy," I don't expect next to read, "inherit promises." Hugh? I love it when people tell my daughter that she and I look alike. One time (once only) someone asked if we were sisters. She doesn't like it much at all when people tell her that we look alike, but there is not much that she can really to about it. She inherited her resemblence from God to look like me. She didn't turn out looking like me because she wasn't lazy.

When I stretch in an athetic class or yoga-type stretches, it is hard work. When God prompts me to keep trusting Him, despite what circumstances shout at me, despite actual so-called "reality" - that is, the "reality" of the world apart from God's active intervention, "reality" of the natural course of the things of this world, when God prompts me to trust Him still, it is hard work. (You follow that line of my reasoning? That's the way I talk, too verbose, but when I go off like that, over-describing, I'm surprised to see that people actually seem to track what I say, or perhaps they are just being polite).

Trusting is the hard work. Its the "don't be lazy" part. On the other hand, trusting when there really isn't any trust involved is not hard work. That is what comes naturally. The electricity turns on, the paycheck comes, the husband comes home at night. "I trust that the electricity will turn on, that I will get paid every two weeks and that my husband will return home tonight." That isn't trust, but assuming the natural course of events in this world.

What do you do when the electricity doesn't come on (like in New York in that black-out, or during a hurricane in Florida or when no one sent in the money to pay the bill - or there's no money to pay the bill -- or when a burgler just cut out the power to the house (Oh, God forbid and have mercy on us!).

"Okay God, I want to trust You, that You love me and that You're working in this problem, but the house is going to foreclose and my husband has been out all night!"

The psalmist cried out, "How long, Oh Lord, How long?"
Job cried out, "Though He slay me, I will trust in Him,"
and Jesus pronounced, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?"

Stetching of my faith hurts. Choosing to trust God rather than curse Him, or rather than to dismiss Him, or rather than to find my own way of escape, or rather than to eat warm and comforting food as a way of coping is difficult. More than difficult, is impossible. A time comes when the flesh screams out against the spirit and the spirit screams out against the flesh and my mind has a choice - to be lazy or not to be lazy.

Don't be lazy. Don't be lazy. Don't be lazy. Trust...inherit the promises.

Heb 6:15 "And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promises." NKJ

Mat 25:23: "His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!" NIV

Receive the blessing from God. Put yourself in the position to receive from God. Let those muscles of faith stetch. Trust in a good God who loves us and created and sustains the whole world. He knows how to take care of our problems. That's not the issue. The issue is eternal faith. Eternal trust. Eternal love. Eternity's blessing. Trusting that God loves you. That that His work on the cross was enough to prove that He loves you and knows what is best. To give your whole life to Him because you want to love that much too.

August 23, 2005

Jesus is the light of the world. He shines and we follow. His sheep know His voice and they do not follow another. He is faithful and true and He will never let us go. His purposes are eternal. Rejoice in the Lord. Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowedge Him and He will set your path straight - He will direct your path. So give up your cares and give up your holdings in this world. Let all entanglements go and the sin of unbelief - let it go like a helium ballon into the sky - let it go, let it go, let it go and live in Him, live in Him, live in Him and Rejoice - Receive your joy in Him. Be filled with God Himself and LIVE!

August 21, 2005

It is easy to get lost in the mundane details of carnal life that we don't get lost in what God wants to do in and through us - in and through me. I worry about a lot of things that seem real important but distract me from eternal things.

I want to live for Jesus Christ. I keep planning my own path, however. What I'm going to do this hour and the next, and continually get back in determining my way of things, instead of keeping in step with His spirit.

Thank you my Lord for sustaining me in so many things that if You did not sustain, me and my family would really be in trouble. Teach me to trust You more. Help my eye to be fixed upon You. Help me not to take back what I have already entrusted to You. Help me to wait.

I was encouraged by these verses (approximate, as they are by memory): "don't be slothful, but be like those who through faith and patience inherit the promises;" "don't be weary in well doing, for in due time you shall reap if you don't give up;" and "by this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit." Inherit, Reap and Bear. Not much activity on my part. Lots on God's part.

It was after Abraham patiently endured that he obtained the promise. I need to stay still and continue to believe in what God has prompted me to believe. To patiently wait for it, for Him who is faithful to deliver. Not that the thing that we are waiting for is an ultimate prize, but He is our ultimate prize and we believe Him and He is not ashamed to be called our God.

"...who through faith and patience inherited the promises (Heb 6:12)."

I am waiting for God to draw my daughter back into relationship with Him and I think God has been prompting me to believe that He is doing that currently, and that she will be restored soon. I believe that God has created Brent to be in our family, and one thing is for sure, if he is to be in our family, God will have to deliver him into our hands. I love that guy and it is God who has given me that love and then taken the boy away because God needs me to know who owns him. I think that God is going to work in our household financially to be responsible stewards of our finances. He has held us together financially all of these years to show me that He is trustable. He has sustained us and if it were not for Him, we would have a different outcome. If it were not for God's sustaining, I would be divorced and bankrupt. But God has held our marriage together and created me to be a wife and has shown me that God is dependable - not because our marriage and finances are upheld, but because whatever God wants to do in my life is acceptable because I know He is trustable. He has taught me that I can trust in Him with all of my heart, and I am not to lean on my own understanding. He has shown me that in ALL my ways, I need to acknowedge Him, and He will direct my path and that is moment by moment and day by day, hour by hour, prayer by prayer. By the way, anybody know how to out a spell-check on this thing? God bless you.

aug 11

i'm writing this while i'm at the hair salon with my palm one. pretty neat technology. I wanted to tell about what encouraged me yesterday. it had been a really hard day and about 7:30 pm I just had to go to my room and pray and get re-centered. after a few minutes I wrote a little poem/prayer about how I wanted to be able to cry on God's shoulders in person because He is the best counselor. then my husband called and I told him how things had been going. he was out of town. he said he had time to listen. by the time I got done with my run on sentence, 7 plus minutes had passed. a couple minutes later I thought about how I could deal with a situation, and had a whole new way to proceed. that's why God sent us loved ones-to be there in person for Him. got to go. i'll be traveling the next 5 days.

August 8, 2005

Thank You Lord for another day of Your faithfulness - to me, to my husband, to my children, my patients and my friends. Help us to fit into Your plans, and see the bigger picture - Your bigger picture. Of what You're doing, of what You're up too, of what You're planning. Help us to trust You, like the sparrows You feed. Help us to learn from them, for they do not labor or spin. Help us to sit at Your feet and learn from You. You are humble and meek. Through trusting in You, we find rest for our souls. Make us be like bright lights on a beacon hill in this world for You, while we look to You, walk with You and while You shine through us, all while we are humble yet strong, quiet yet very pronounced. We are Your workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works. We are Your little children who walk in the light. Thank You for holding us in the safety of the quiet of Your hand. You are wonderful and we worship You in spirit and in truth. We look to the horizon, from where our help comes. We wait for the Lord. And he who has this hope purifies himself, even as He is pure. Purify us while we hope in You, while we wait for You in stillness, quietness and perfect peace. You are the only truth and there is no other. You are the way and the life and the truth, and we are found in You by faith. Thank You God for Your faithfulness to us. Fill us with Your Holy Spirit and let us worship You with our lives. We are for You and not against You. Since You are for us, ain't there nobody that can be against us. We will sit with You at the marriage supper of the lamb and we are sitting in You far above this present world in Christ because You died for us and we have trusted in You for our salvation. And to Him be the power and the glory forever. And all the saint said, Amen.

August 5, 2005

There's this boy I knew
Actually I've never met
that speaks to me when I see his face
Eyes piercing
Lifting off the page
I got it printed out at Kinko's
Better copy
Better print
I hear the boy cry out to me
The boy without a home

So I called the Social Worker over
after I spoke with my husband of course
He thought the idea was great
and that about flipped me over

So we called the Social Worker man
Told him we'd like to adopt a son
He told us to fill out these forms
the stack weighed a thousand pounds on my frame.

I cried and thought it over
What do I need with another son?
Two ain't enough?
And two daughters as well?
What need do I have
with problems that aren't mine?

So I put it out of my mind
Thought about something else for awhile
But the matter woke me up at night
It stayed in my mind like a tickle in my throat
It has grabbed my reasoning
like a rooster in the morning
It has stolen my heart
like a lover's first kiss
like a dream that won't die
like a boy's midnight cry

His picture speaks to me
His brazen eyes are speaking there
He wore the suit he owned one day
cause the picture man at school
be coming that day

Smart, they say he is
And a dreamer he is meant to be
They say he wants to go far one day
That picture,
it be speaking to me

Days go by and even weeks
Form-sets one, two and three are done
More paperwork yet to complete-
nine hundred pounds to go,
His Social Worker Lady says
she don't think he is coming home to me

They're gonna try a different place
The visits they have been started
No, the new family isn't sure they want him
Yes for now, but maybe not for keeps
Well, they might
They're gonna see how it goes
Meanwhile the picture been speaking to me
That boy he want a real home

Do you hope when there is no reason to?
What are dreams made of anyway?
What gives an orphan boy a cause to hope?
Who has set his spirit free?
Free enough to hope
and free enough to dream
Rich enough to strive up high
When all of life
just hasn't been fair

If he can dream than so can I-
I know not for sure
If Brent is the boy
that be my own,
But that he might be my son
torments my inner soul
because he is not here
is not with his own

To have a child
but is that one your own?
Seems to be
but doesn't seem again either
I think so
Oh, do I dare to dream?

If I don't dream
and he is waiting there for me
than I am like one of the rest
who has let him down again
Not only him
but Christ my Lord
who has put His hope in me.

Lord,
Give me the strength to complete forms six, seven and eight
help our timing be perfect and not late
encourage Brent day by day
pick the best plan for him
whether he is ours or not
only You know
But there is one thing I do know
One thing that I've got straight,
if Brent is our son
You will deliever him into our hands
and what a miracle that will be
not only for today
but for all of eternity

Go on now go
Go Lord and go
Go fight for me
on my behalf
Go and do whatever You want to

The paper that speaks
is it Your voice to me?
The eyes that glare
The yearning I feel there
Surely You are behind it all
In it one way or another

You be God and I will follow
Mark out Your path for me
Show your glory to all the world
that You create what You want
dreams, vision and plans-
Your knitting Your world together
Not this world here,
the world to come
the world for which our hearts be waiting.

So while he waits
and while we wait too
direct our hearts to look to You
let us trust You in our ways
Let the circumstrances be framed
You'll do what only You can do
as we live our life
depending and looking to You.

(Dedicated to God's perfect plan for me, and our family - your prayers appreciated - your reward will be coming with Him from glory...one day with a grand display, but may He bless you this very day as well!)

August 4, 2005

It was a very fun day at the psychiatric hospital, although sad too, as is usual. I mean, all of the activity and stimuli is a constant kick. However, it is heartbreaking really that people experience so much pain and suffering, you know?

The funniest part of the day was interacting with a staff member, actually two staff members in the medical records office. The RN from Utilization Review department and the medical records clerk were looking at a montage that they came across of cartoon animations with headings such as "frustrated," "rageful," and "sad." We were joking that it would be a useful form we could incorporate into the medical record to help the managed care companies with their managed healthcare reviews of patient charts, or our psychiatrists could use the form as part of the progress notes to capture the patient's mental status. You have to learn to be comical and joke because the job and environment is stressful.

Later on the ward of the most acute patients, one nurse complained, "I've been here 14 months and I've never seen it this bad." I told her that perhaps she needed a break after 14 months. That's a long time to be on her feet. No actually, I told her, "it could be worse; you could be working in an radiation oncology outpatient clinic." I explained that before I was a doctor I volunteered at one of those places and it was depressing, slow-moving and morbid. She said, "Oh, that would be harder to work there." I elaborated that when I worked there the people would walk in all slow and skinny, depressed and down-hearted." She said, "and dying too." She added, "Oh, I feel like crying now. I don't feel badly about working here anymore. Thanks. I feel better now."

Today I placed one man on an involuntary psychiatrtic hold. He was recieving day treatment only. Today I forced him to be admitted against his will into the psychiatric hospital because yesterday he told me that he almost tried to kill himself last week and he has been feeling very badly. Last night, I worried about him over night, and was concerned that I should have admitted him into the hospital yesterday. I hoped he was safe and I was looking forward to see that he had arrived safely back to the day program today. Today, he returned to our outpatient program and said that he wanted to quit his psychiatric medications for his psychotic condition and wanted to quit the program, never to return. I felt morally obligated to admit him into the psychiatric unit against his desire because I feared for his safety. He had a prior history of suicide attempts, had poor reasoning, had no family or social support, etc. Tonight I saw him on the inpatient unit. By the end of the evening he wasn't angry with me anymore. We changed his medications around to one he was more comfortable, as he complained about side effects with the medication he suddenly decided to stop.

Having people get angry with me is not my intention, but it frequently can not be avoided, and what the patient thinks about you has to be secondary to doing what is best, especially when you are placed in a position of responsibility over them. So you just do the best you can and do what you think is in the best interest of the patient. (I get suspicious of psychiatrists that refer frequently to their level of reimbursment, because the priority has to be the patient and patient care irrespective of reimbersement. All of us psychiatrists make a good enough living not to quibble, but the managed care companies can get the best of us down.) Usually the patient comes to like you and appreciate your care, although they don't often see what you're doing as "care," and that can be discouraging sometimes. Eventually, they usually come to see that you actually do care for them, and you can gain some of their trust and respect. When it gets discouraging, I just go to the medical records department and joke with the UR nurse and medical records clerk over cartoons or something.

Last week the same three of us in there were joking and I told the UR nurse how I had to take my dog once to the vet to be put down, because he was terminally ill and was in too much pain, and too debilitated. The vet told me he was not ill enough to be put down (he died naturally a few weeks later). She said, "that's okay, just tell the vet it is cheaper than Board and Care." To understand the joke, you have to understand that all day long she deals with insurance companies who are trying to deny or limit services and sometimes it seems that the insurance companies care more about the bottom dollar than about the lives of people. A Board and Care is a supportive living environment. Well, you just got to laugh sometimes.

August 3, 2005

I'm afraid that there isn't much "dry humor" contained within. I suppose that is because I am not actually communicating with anyone, since I don't think that anybody has actually "discovered" this site. I did tell my good friend about it. I didn't tell anyone else, well, I guess that I didn't want to promote myself, (i.e. "Ordinary" Christian). I was hoping that some people would drop by and be encouraged or something, kind of want to return. But I'm afraid that I am like in the middle of the mountains that are hard to get to, so to speak. That is alright though, because I am just sort-of getting started into the flow of things, and having no one actually read anything, helps me to, well, have more preparation practice. I am not exactly sure what I am practicing for, except perhaps practicing the presence of God. Maybe someday people will read this site, and then I will be used to practicing the presence of God while I'm here, rather than focusing on people, like it should be in regular life, like I'm trying to make it to be in regular life.

I think people would be surprised, well not those who know me well perhaps, but day to day work people would be surprised to know just how much I depend upon God and how much He helps me. My Mom did say recently, "well, I know - I can see - how much God has helped you and been with you in your life," or words to that effect. I have been a Christian 21 years. That is a long time to have your mother finally make a conclusionary statement like that about all of your adult years, as she is reaching the end of all of her adult years. And so that's great when people, after all these years, reach a conclusion that - yes - God has been present and helpful, but there isn't that much they can do about it then. I mean, my mother can give the rest of her days to Him, as can my other relatives, and that would be great, but what about all of the years they can never get back that they didn't give to Him? What about the fact that almost all my relative may simply make the statement to themselves that - yes, "perhaps God has helped her" - and then go on. Their final few gasps of this life just moments or a few decades away. Then face to face with God. Scary.

When one does turn though, they're usually just so grateful to have turned that they may not regret the years they missed much; like the guy next to Jesus on the next cross. You know I was thinking, he was Jesus' only encourager that day. Peter rejected Him and the disciples turned away, at least in part, but that criminal was Jesus' witness and glorified Jesus and I bet comforted Him that day. Jesus sure was - is - a Friend of sinners. As the years go by and I grow in the Lord, I'd like to still identify as the crying worshipper at Jesus' feet who blessed His feet in tears and wiped them with her hair - the sinner who loves much because she was forgiven much.

Oh yeah, "dry humor," well, perhaps it will come out sometime. God bless you (I say in faith)!

August 3, 2005

Why do I ever complain?
You know what's best and provide it.
Help me to know Your will
and abide in it,
to linger with You
in all that I do,
To be set free
and soar!

One day soon,
I'll see You face to face.
Eye to eye,
You'll look upon me-
Majesty ignited,
Your glory will be filling the expanse
I will see Jesus,
and I will be like Him.

Why do I complain?
Why do I moan?
Like a fitness instructor,
You know how much I can endure,
You want the best for me.
You are my Savior, my Friend and my Lord,
Help me to trust You more today,
To fit in with Your plans for me.
You want the best for me;
You have the best in store for me,
and I look to You.

You are Life indeed.
You are my life to me.
Help me to see things from Your perspective.
Show me the things that only You can do,
That only You are doing.
Help me to see Your handiwork
and enable me to join in.

I love You and I want You to freely influence and take over my life.
Do great things or tred quietly,
It will be the same for me,
because You are my Lord,
and You own all of me.

August 1, 2005

I'm tired and worn out, so I didn't take much time with this cluster of ideas, but will disclose them anyway, as unto the Lord, who is always a Friend to me.

Pancake batter poured out on the griddle
bubble, bubble
cook, cook
Maple or berry
which syrup is best?
butter or dry
sausages on the side

Jesus is coming soon
morning, night or noon,
Jesus is coming soon
Prepare the way of the Lord

Broken and spilled out
His blood shed for me
alabassar jar shattered
Inhale the aroma now
Tomorrow won't do
Go forth in power
Looking not to what you can do

Confidence in Christ
In His strength alone
I'm broken and spilled out
grilled with meat on the side

So serious
So deadly
So intent
to have Christ live through me

Align Yourself to me, Lord
I not want to go alone
Never will You leave me-
But I need to align myself to You,
not You to me
My perspective is so limiting!

Give me an hour soon
Give me time right now
I need to immerse myself in You
You will see me through

You are continually faithful
Few know how much I need You
How I depend upon You
and how You have shown Yourself faithful to me

Every hour I call for You,
I find You are waiting for me
Never have You been unavailable
Your kindness is better than life to me.

August 1, 2005

Dear Lord:

I need to align myself to what You're wanting to do in my life today, to what You are already doing. I need to align myself to You. To open myself up to You, Your power and Your presence. Please direct me in my activities, who I speak with, where I go,what I say. Select those specific things for me to do with the time that You've alloted for me today. Be with my circumstances, that they would be favorable, but transform my mind that I would not be enticed by them, as though they were what I was serving. I know that You have chosen me to be a relational person - a wife, a mother, a doctor, a friend. Let me carry out those duties with the ease of an easy yoke, for Your yoke is easy and Your burden is light. Let my light so shine before men, that they may see Your good works through me and might glorify You in heaven. (I altered the words in that verse a bit, I believe the correct verse is "Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify my Father who is in heaven." Shine, Jesus shine. Shine through me and let it be like a sweet aroma and fragrance that You work through me. Let my day not be a burden to me, but make my moving through this day today be as though I were walking through air. When my cirsumstances are favorable, or if they are not, let my eye be single and focused upon You. Let my sufficiency be found in You, for You alone satisfy. In You I am sustained. You are my hope and my sufficiency.

Jesus, show me Your direction today, where You are working and let me enter in. Let me not be second guessing all the time. Let me not be burdened with the things of this world or with trying to know details, let me just walk in You. Let me not over-analyze how one walks, but just let me walk. What You want to do is greater than what I am able to figure out or put my finger on. What You want to do in my life is bigger than I am able to control.

Lord, help me to care about the things You care about - the PEOPLE that You care about. Help me from being discouraged, for in this world is overwhelming discouragment, but in You is a fresh new day, where Your mercies are new every morning. Help us to strive after You, like Paul did, in Your Spirit, with Your purpose, with Your direction and for Your glory. For our time here is short, and the moments fleet away like whisps off a dandelion. Make what we do count for eternity. Amen.