Hi 2007!

I spent this evening (it is now 11:07 P.M. California time, 12-31-06, in virtually the rest of the world, it IS 2007) writing out goals, plans and ideas for 2007. Actually I have been thinking and praying about these things for awhile, so it isn't like these ideas sprang up from nowhere.

But first, let me say that the Lord provided an absolutely incredible 50th birthday party for my husband last night, that you too will see in glory what God did for Himself, and His glory last night. He got a Bible that he virtually showed off to his family – that is an act of God Himself and perhaps one of the great memories of 2007 (perhaps because it is so fresh in my recollection!)

Now back to the subject at hand...what is next on my agenda.

2007 I think will be a time when I have accepted the fact that a main role in my partnership with my husband is "income generation" and my husband's duty centers on "income organization and support."

For 20+ years, I have resisted this identification/labeling of my role in the family, but it is useless, futile and counterproductive to resist God's provision through this vessel (me). Am I so full of self-righteousness that I know better than God (or think I do?) Am I so "wise" that I can direct my own life apart from God's direct intervention and mighty hand in my life? God's plan is best and He knows the end from the beginning. He has a direction He is moving, and end that is beyond what I see now. He is separating me from this world, from my pride and self-righteousness, my sense of entitlement and control. Anyway…

I am going to work more and my husband is going to help with the many ends of the business and home life so that I can actually work more. The bottom line is I am going to work more so that we can do the things that we want to do for our children and family, as they are entering college, etc and the expenses are going up for other reasons as well. My husband is a wonderful father and God is tying me up, as He has many times in the past, maybe to draw out my husband and increase His role while keeping me occupied elsewhere. It I had enough hours in the day, I would control virtually everything. I am like a virus that spreads throughout the community (world?) or like a fragrance that seeps all around. If I am not used up somewhere I tie up other people from doing their roles, because I do it for them (you know people like that?)

I don't much like spending a lot of time in psychiatry, but God has greatly gifted me in this area and has provided everything for me in this area. I am praying that He will bring me out from this area eventually, and into general Christian ministry, but God has not provided that yet. He is still bringing in the fold, or folding in (as in baking) some other ingredients into His pumpkin family pie.

Well, it is 11:25 and I am going to do a spell check and go to sleep! See you in 2007, Lord willing!

When the lion roars

Yesterday while I was wrapping Christmas gifts and watching Precept Ministries’ Kay Arthur she was teaching on Ephesians and talked about how when a lion roars we startle, but Satan, who is personified as a lion, when he roars and we jump, then he obtained his desired result. When he didn't roar, and we didn't startle, it wasn't as if he wasn't really there. He was there all of the time, but we didn't know it or wasn't attuned to it.

The past twenty four hours or so, since I wrote my last blog, had been going really well, and then I opened an envelope and heard the lion roar, and I startled, and Satan (not himself personally, but his forces) had received their desired effect.

Currently I am trying to clear my mind. Actually I am in a similar sort of state that I was in the day before yesterday, as to how exactly I should proceed. I think I know how I am going to proceed. Kind of like how Abigail proceeded, the wise, beautiful and intelligent woman that she was.

Father, My Shepherd! I listen for Your voice and I humble myself before You. I am learning how not to take care of myself, but how not to be a lump of dead rock that is passive either, but how to be an effective person doing my utmost for Your highest. Move each of my limbs personally as I learn to walk in the yielding and the power of the Holy Spirit. Currently, FREE MY MIND! Also, continue to have Your Holy Spirit to be strong in our family. For who do we have but You? Be with us in love and Your personal presence in each one of these lives. For Jesus' sake! For His glory alone, but I will share in it, Amen.

The Difference a Day Makes

Yesterday morning I had no gifts for my children and nearly nothing for my husband. I also felt puzzled how to proceed because of mental confusion due to spiritual warfare and because of concern of method of payment.

Twenty-six years ago as of 12/21/06 my husband and I began dating. All of the years since there has been bondage and battles (both seen and unseen) regarding money. Well, actually this battle and bondage rages in each of our minds and hearts separately since we were each small children.

God is clearing out clutter and cobwebs and through this cleansing and freeing process there is confusion and pain. But this battle is the Lord's and it is for His glory and my best-our best interests.

Right now I sit in my car with a large car filled with bags of all sorts of goodies - well beyond what I imagined yesterday. In fact yesterday I thought our family was going to perhaps be experiencing a new sort of Christmas message for our family - a lesson forced from difficult circumstances. Instead, we have a typical Christmas with the usual overflowing pluthera of gifts. Except there is thanksgiving that is more abundant, and some humility.

My husband and I are growing and through all these troubles over these months, which continue as I "speak," and we haven't had one fight, only increasing measure of love. This love is so necessary because each of us feels vulnerable and exposed, because each of us is learning how not to trust inourselves or in false gods and idols but in God who raises the dead (II Corinth). Merry Christmas!

I don't know what to do

Should I go and do this thing on my own? I suppose so. Some action is called for. Yet, I don't want to go and try to help myself again, when in fact I am not helping myself at all in the long run, but shooting myself in the foot.

I pray for some little momento that I could provide that would convey the meaning that I love them, without conveying to my husband that I don't need him.

Oh Father God,
Thank You that You are the God who reveals Himself to the lowly and that You are a God Who can be known! You reveal Yourself through trials, signs and wonders, disciplines by Your voice, and the other things You said in Deutoronomy. I want to know You, the Eternal God, the All-Sufficient One and I want to Know You more than I want the problems of my little life fixed. Lord, You view the grand and vast domain of eternity and what is best for our shared end. I see the temporary, but give me eyes to see and strength to stand and I will stand and I will see, not as the world sees.

Lord, grant me gifts for my family this Christmas and a means to pay for them. Grant me ability to pay these two companies for the party on the 30th. Grant my husband wisdom and patience with the kids and business. Grant me the ability and desire to endure longsuffering knowing that the testing of my faith produces endurance. The proving of my faith gives glory to You, my King. You boughtl me out of this world and now I serve the Living and True God. I am alive forever. I serve at the pleasure of my King.

Standing firm

I'm exhausted! Life is really hard. Yet, there IS A LOT to be thankful for. So, I'm holding my position in Christ.

We're sinners in this family

You know, I am thankful that our family - my husband and four children, we pretty much know that we are sinners. I think that I did not try to get the kids to just look good, but I wanted them to be themselves, and to love God. I didn't want them to be phony. And I think that we are imperfect people who know that we are sinners. I think that that is the place that God can start to work, in the humble heart, the one poor in spirit. God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.


"Come unto me all you who labor and are weary and I will give you rest."

He is our rest.

He is our peace.

He is enough for me.

This I (think) I know

God did not save my husband at a late age to then not use him.
God did not allow certain difficulties in my husband's life, dismantling his architecture to then not rebuild in His own image.
God is preparing my husband for a special work at the right time.
God is going to bring everything together for good that we can all see in this time and place, in the near future.
God has a plan for me, and He is using me, but He is also moving me out of my husband's way so my husband can be a leader through which God is going to do a unique work.

That being said,
I pray and thank God for my husband's upcoming birthday party that everything would go smoothly with all things said and done in this time and place, and in heaven. That God would be present and bring a gift to my husband that is greater than I could even have anticipated, and also would be all that I anticipated. That my husband would know that his life has had purpose and has purpose in a profound way. That this party would also demonstrate that the framework of our marriage is Christ's likeness and strength and direction and presence. That God would in a public and pronounced way demonstrate that He has created us to be husband and wife in the likeness of Genesis 1 and 2, and He would springboard what He wants to do through us and our marriage into the next phase of life. That God has created a great person in me and a great person in Brad and a great marriage, not of ourselves but of God. He has been faithful to all my prayers for all these years and to the desires of my heart that have been in place and has forgiven and absorbed those places in my heart and actions (and in my husband's heart and actions)that have not been right.

May God take each of us, and each family member on to these specific areas, if it is His will, all in the power of Christ Himself:

That I would proceed as a godly wife and mother and role model, helper and example.
That I would proceed in the MBA and hospital work.
That I would proceed in the Bible Study.
That I would proceed as a praying friend.
That eventually God would bring me into the arena of an author and even a speaker if He wants.

For my husband:
That he would be the leader of all of our financial affairs/corporation/businesses and be wise and successful.
That he would not have either weariness and dread, discouragement versus arrogance and pride, but that God would give him a place to put his foot on good ground.
That God would take him into the body of Christ of believers and he would be loved, received and perfect fully placed.
That he would continue to be the great father and husband that he is, growing increasing more so.
That God would bring into a professional ministry that would be profound and great and his testimony would be awesome. The evidence of God would be great and manifest. That my husband would understand this as he accepts God's will for his life.

That my oldest daughter would get into the specific medical school and college program that is right for her, even the one that I am praying for, and she is desiring as well and would meet those career goals that she has.
That she would grow and be established in her faith and be a beautiful spokeswoman for God.

That my oldest son would thrive at his present school and be a bold man of God. That God would take him into a perfect academic setting for him after high school and bring him into godly ministry. That he would be a powerful speaker and relater to people and shepherd.

That my oldest daughter would transition well into her high school years and that setting and be greatly blessed in her basketball that she loves. That she would get into the same program that her older sister is in and be a pediatrician. That she would know and understand the power of God. That she would be able to be a homemaker and mother and develop those domestic gifts that she has, and would develop patience. That God would be great in her as well.

That my youngest son would become a strong and mighty man of God. That he would not be bullied because he is sensitive, but God would protect him and his personality from harsh treatment. That he would make it through all of his teenage years with the godliness that he has desired for himself. That he would continue to cover his eyes when he sees inappropriate magazines, as he does now and would be strong in heart to be a godly man. That the Lord would make him into a strong man that is lifted up and honored for the Lord's sake.

These are prayers that I think that the Lord may be in, but I doubt that He is in each one, but hopefully some are on target. The faithful and on-target prayer of a righteous man availeth much! I went out on a limb on some, but I couldn't help myself!

Where is peace?

Anxiety is in circumstances and peace is found in yourself. No, not in "yourself " like I've changed into some self-help guru. Peace is in yourself, as in "get a grip," "relax," "these circumstances are not to overtake your mind."

No circumstances are ever great enough to steal your compusure. You are greatly patient. You are greater than your circumstances, because you are seated In Christ, far above circumstance, far above all pricipalities and powers. You are a child of the Great King and He has equiped you with every spiritual blessing in heavenly places.

So, take courage, my child. Okay, I take that courage. I take that place of authority In Christ. I have peace. It was with me all the time.

I'm looking to that heavenly reward that is with Him when He comes! Are you?

At what cost obedience?

Schizophrenia.
When things don't make sense.
When reality is too much to bear.

Lord, I fail you.
See my weak faith?
See my anger with You?
See my fears?
I am faint.
I am broken.

I trust You.
It is because Your way is the only hope.

How I am asking!
How I am pleading!
How I am begging!
That things would be different!

"If I give my body to be burned,
but have not love,
I am like a clanging cymbal
(II Corinthians)."

Encourage me this day.
I walk another day with my war boot sludging through sludge.
I will be like a quiet sheep before the sheerers.
I will hope that today will be my deliverence-
The day of the Lord's deliverence.
I will say, "yes" and "amen" but You see my heart.
You know my fears.
Please raise my dead body that is clinging to the dying body of Christ on His cross.
Don't leave me here.
Don't leave me here!
Your resurrection is sure!

Things are getting better

Things feel better. So I think I will go and celebrate by going to sleep early! I wish I had more energy to write about it, but we're not out of the woods yet. Sorry I don't go that much into the details. Later.

I asked for decafe!

I was at Starbucks and I asked for decaffinate coffee. I got caffeinated. What a drag.

Tonight I went to work at the psychiatric hospital for about an hour. While there, there was a "Code Blue" in the lobby, meaning someone wasn't breathing type thing. First there was the overhead annoucement. Then there was the nurse who exclaimed, "Oh God!" I told the staff that I would watch the nurse's station. They can go attend to the matter. About four minutes later a nurse comes walking down the hall in an unexpected matter. Like sluggish. She said, "It was training. There was no Code Blue." The Director of Nursing had been in the hospital this Saturday night and pulled the test. The staff "failed" because they remembered the oxygen, the blood pressure cuff and other stuff, but forgot to bring the machine that zaps the stopped heart with electricity. Oh well, maybe next time. For sure there will be another test, especially since they failed.

Oh, that makes me think of this spiritual application. What a unique and novel thing for me to think of in this blog of mine!

God is giving us tests after tests after tests. Are we forgetting to bring the equipment to start the heart that stopped beating? Are we remembering to "Stand. Stand therefore with the full armor of God?" Am I remembering to "Count it as PURE JOY when you encounter various trials, knowing that the TESTING of your faith produces endurance....and let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect (complete) not lacking in anything." Approximate quote but pretty close.

I think I need to take some more Benadryl or I will never get to sleep!

My secrets and why my blog is annonymous

"Oh that Ishmael would stand before you!"

14 years later (or so), God says, "Take your son, your only son (Isaac) and offer a burnt offering."

Hope you know the stories and can fill in the blanks.

Do you know the song, "Wouldn't it be lovely, lovely, lovely..."

So as my mind darts around, I think of some cool ideas. Well, they're dreams, and I don't know if they are my way of escaping present troubles, if they represent good ideas or bad, if I am trying to build my own tower of Babble, or what.

Anyway, I wish that: (besides my "normal" prayers-these are the ecentric prayers of a semi-delerious one) :
1) That God would establish our businesses, and create a charitable corporation through us.
2) That my husband would do something extreme with his life, like go to Africa in association with our church and go to their 7 month Bible school they have there, and be a part-time missionary. I started to explain why in this blog, but that's just too complicated. It feels stupid to think of these things.