Esther

When Esther was chosen to be queen, she underwent like a year of beauty treatments. After a while as queen, she wanted to ask the king for a big favor, not to kill the Jews, of whom she was one.

Maybe we wives don't understand our husbands, or how we can best be their appointed helpers (see Genesis 2-3). Maybe we should seek to make ourselves beautiful and pleasing to them. Maybe this is what they crave. Maybe we should respectfully seek their favor not to do outlandish things, ie, "Please don't kill the Jews."

Maybe we'll all be happier. Instead of, "Can't you do anything around here? Why didn't you...blaa...blaa...blaaa." How about, "you relax honey on the couch. If you don't mind, I'm going to relax in flower-scented bubbles in the bath and unwind." Then later, if it REALLY is a big deal, make the request, "Honey, how about getting a job, if you're feeling up to it." (HA). Okay, I didn't say it would be easy, just maybe more in line with what God originally had in mind when He put us here to "fit into the plans of the husband" (from Genesis some expanded version from chapters 2-3.) Hey, I didn't make the rules, but there are some things YOU AIN'T GONNA CHANGE. And if you don't fit in, then who is?

Exhausted!

I was on call three of the last four nights, answering phone calls all night. Plus I had to work at the hospital most of the weekend. When I wasn't working, I did over two hours of group exercise at the club and spent a few hours doing some paperwork. Plus, I went on a bike ride. I am so tired! I skipped out of my Bible Study tonight. I realized that I don't think I ever skipped spontaneously in the six or seven years that I have been going to BSF. You see, if I did go tonight, my kids would be alone, because my husband is volunteering at a ministry in Upward Basketball at the church that two of my kids go to school at. (Bad Grammar - "Oh well!") Plus it is raining hard and I just heard thunder. It never thunders here. I hear the wind howling. I'm crashing early tonight.

I realized that I have just been going so hard. I got to tell you that I really enjoy doing that. What a blast. But now I am tired.

I try to sleep and retire and take an evening off every several months or so when I feel tired like this. You got to stay in balance.

My son Bradley called my husband early this morning, and then later this afternoon (he never does that). He asked if he could bring home two boys from boarding school with him to California for the one week break that starts later this week. We said, "sure," just their parents have to pay the airplane tickets.

The boys are from Korea, and don't have anywhere to go for the week break. "Lord, do Your will! Entertain us with Your design of things - Your plans, Your preparations!"

Today I got a call about a bill that my husband for some reason likes to skip over, and it would be the one that I would pay first. Anyway, I would like to move on from using this particular company, but for various reasons, we are kind of stuck with the situation. But maybe not. "Lord, please organize and take over what You want to do with this company. Give my husband direction and wisdom in these financial areas of life. See my anxiety? I give it to You. Tell me like you did in the Bible to others, 'Do not be afraid,' and take care of this situation."

I am going to sleep. "Lord, thank you for being with my husband tonight while he is at the church. Fulfill Your purpose in His life. Help me to rest in You. Give me sleep, favor and peace. Amen."

"Lord, I am thinking that I may be moving on to a new Bible Study group after BSF is over this year. Show me where to go, what to do. Jesus, take the reigns, take the wheel."

Spiritual Lust

Today Oswald Chambers spoke to me. He is amazing. BTW, it kinda freaks me out that he has had such a wide and powerful impact after his death, and during his life he wasn't that remarkable, in terms of his ministry. When he died and went to heaven, how freaked out was he that presidents and powerful people were influenced by God in specific ways when all Oz knew was that he was teaching a few kids at the YMCA while his faithful and supportive wife listened respectfully and took notes. Then he gets to heaven and sees how the Middle East was won for Christ as George W. Bush read his text and was encouraged with words such as "We are not sent to do battle for God, but to be used by God in His battles (Jan 18 entry)." (hypothetical example - no political spam please!)

So anyway, today my friend Ozzie told me this: "Spiritual lust causes me to demand an answer from God, instead of seeking God Himself...."

Man, do I ever need to be more humble. To walk humbly and quietly before my God. To realize He is working on my behalf, in ways I can not see. Who am I to presume an answer to my silly demands from the God of the universe? No wonder the angels look down in horror at human's arrogance and question the remarkable nature of God's grace. Who is this who forgives sins and exalts sinners to be above sinless angels? Oh my God and my King, bestow upon me a quiet and contrite spirit that trembles at Your word. My God and my King, teach me to obey in quietness and humility and exalt Yourself on my behalf! Oh the boasts of an unrighteous sinner! Oh the wonder of our God to hear and answer! Let's do it! Let's make great history! How You work through THIS sinner when I am not looking, when I am not aware, when I am sleeping, when I am nothing but afraid. Oh the greatness and wonder of our God! Surprise me mightily when I walk through those gates for what my Lord has done through this sinner's boastful life. "Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord."

Question asked by hubby:"Can we go to church tomorrow night?"

Answer: "yes!"

Our marriage for 19 years was characterized as my begging and pleading for my husband to go to church and his adament refusal to go. After the begging period of many years, next came the cold war years, followed by a final beg and plead, followed by recluctant participation.

I remember the first time my hubby came to church. The service was on sexual immorality and we were in the book of Proverbs. The church reads through the Bible verse by verse and now, a few years later we are in Acts.

I don't think my husband has ever gone to church without me. Last week I was out of town, and I suppose it is possible that he went, but every other time that I have not attended, he has not attended either. Tomorrow he and the kids are going skiing. Husband asked me if we could go tomorrow night since he will be missing in the morning. I calmly shook my head "yes," but inside I jumped up and down and hugged him, because he could have just skipped attending altogether since he wasn't going to be around.

Thank You Jesus for the great things You have done. Continue still more. I trust You with my husband and my family. I love You with my life. Thank You for Your kindness. Give my husband an uncontrolable desire to read the Bible, and do that for Maria's husband too. Amen.

I am really glad that God answered my prayer and let me be a doctor and then made me a psychiatrist who gets to work at a psychiatric hospital. This was a bit of my work day yesterday.

I started late because I needed extra sleep since I was going to be on call by telephone that night, so I slept in, a rare treat. Then I went to the club to exercise and shower. During the spin class I got paged twice, so I called in while the music was blaring and the instructor was shouting, "faster."

"D unit, this is Angela."

"Hi Angela. This is Dr. Blaaaa. I'm in a spin class right now. Sorry it is loud."

"Oh, I'm sorry, but your new patient, the frequesnt flyer, she just left here a couple weeks ago - Jane Doe, is out of control. She came in about 4 in the morning and is really stirring up the place."

"Is she psychotic?"

"I can bearly hear you."

"Is she psychotic, or just yelling and causing a fuss?"

"She is arguing with the other patients in a loud manner."

"Does she have an allergy or problem with Ativan?"

"No allergies."

"Give her Ativan 2 mg po q 4 hours prn anxiety."

"Okay, thank you Dr. Blaaaaa."

Getting dressed was interputed by a series of phone calls. Sometimes it feels like everyone wants a piece of you. Well. That's enough for now. That was the first hour. Time to go. Love ya.

Glory to God

God has set up certain institutions and He has established that certain economies happen within the confines of His institutions. For example,
1. Governments
2. Marriage
3. Children under authority of parents
4. What you sow you shall always reap
5. God ultimately decides

There are a lot of parameters about the ways things go. When we try to fight against God's established ways, we just frustrate ourselves. To align yourself with His ways, we bring joy and peace to ourselves and others.

Certain tests come to prove our sincerity. If we are inwardly fooling ourselves, or outwardly trying to fool others, we will not do so well, because God knows what is really going on in the core.

How things seem to appear is not how things really are because the temporary is passing away and the eternal will exist forever.

God will reward according to truth and a complete judgment. If it looks like someone is being ripped off now, just wait, in the eternal end, everything will be fair and just. Things do not seem fully pure and just now because the end has not yet come and eternity does not yet reign.

I am trying to live accoding to God's institutions. Oh, one more rule/institution of God:

6. Man can not do anything of value without God actually doing the good through him

I try to live according to God's ways by submitting my will to the Father's and by trusting and enduring, looking to the prize: my great reward who is God Himself, within whom is all the fullness of glory, honor, praise and beauty.

MY FOOD AND MY BODY - an occasional series

When You are 220 pounds and have come to the realization that at the moment that you are stuffing your face that you are dishonoring God, yourself, the creation that He made, and so you repent, all the while while you are chewing and swallowing, you realize that you have a way bigger problem than you can deal with. I mean, real repentance is to bring a change in behavior, right? Well, I was repentant, but while I was crying out to God for the sorrow of my sin, I was sinning, chewing, stuffing and swallowing - no lie.

That, my friend, is called spiritual bondage. What bondage are you in, Christian? What thing holds you? What thing brings you down that you can not loose? Cry out to Jesus. But it may only be a start.

Jesus said, "These kind only come out by prayer and fasting."

I began praying for my food addiction problem in 1992. The Lord broke the hold of that addiction over time, but around 12 years later. I went through two cycles of fasting, during which time I thought the devil was having the best of me, but in the end, I was set free.

Not that my food inclinations are over. Why do you think I am so obessed with this stuff? Because I still have issues. But the problem is not of bondage proportions. Christ resides in a place in me that food does not hold my body hostage the way it did. Now Christ is glorified in my body, in my eating."Not that I am perfect or have already obtained these things, but I press on upwards unto the calling of God for which he called me...(Phil 3:14).

Today the Lord comforted me about two things today (that I won't go into but I've blogged about beforea) that weigh on my mind. These verses and thoughts helped to put things into perspective:

"Mary has chosen the best way and it will not be taken from her" (When Martha scolded Jesus to have Mary help her with all the preparations, but she instead was listening at Jesus' feet at all He was saying.)

And, "I will not leave you nor forsake you" (Jesus/God tells us)

And, "He will not give you more than you are able to bear." (Letter from Paul)

And I thought about how God has never left me without a home, has never left me without my husband (for long-maybe some hours were desperately hopeless), never left me pennyless, never left me hungry (yet I grab for food like I may not get another meal - how disrespectful to God's provision that is).

I read about how foolish it is to invent things in our minds about what might happen, when it hasn't happened.

I think the best thing that I have learned over recent weeks is just to wake up and thank God that "thus far the Lord has helped me."

Jesus said that each day had enough trouble for itself, why worry about tomorrow?

So I will rest in Him. I will cast my cares upon His back. His yoke is easy and his burden is light.

Yesterday I created a letter made from the post I wrote the day before. In doing so, I did notice a lot of typos - sorry about that. In the letter I removed reference to my husband, and made the issue about the hole in his heart vague.

I addressed the letter to "mentors of Bradley," copied it and mailed it to some key people at Bradley's school, the youth and main pastor at our church, my good friend and a previous pastor that I am still in touch with, along with the list of 14 prayer suggestions.

Maria from my last post offered the verses from Phil 4:6-7 and those verses provide a good perspective on things.

So that's all I have for today. If you haven't read the previous post, maybe you could do so now. If you have, maybe you could pray for Bradley again, from the list of prayer suggestions from the last post. God bless, and thanks!

Pray for Bradley

Bradley is my 14 year old son. He is having a hard time right now. God has called him to a difficult life, but he has a good spirit and enthusiasm. Bradley is really unique. I knew that there was something unique about him ever since he was a baby and as a toddler. He has really bad ADHD, but he has never minded that, but others around him have! He was one of the reasons why I decided to homeschool and I homeschooled him for four years from 3rd through 6th grades. He is also brilliant and probably literally a genious on IQ testing. On starndardized tests, his IQ can not be tested, because he gets virtually all the answers right, so he just maxes out on the test and scores at whatever their highest score is.

Because he was unique and gifted, and because I needed to spend extra time with him and always watch out for him, watching if he was getting too hyper or being inappropiate or whatever, I got very close to him emotionally. Also, he is very tender hearted and so it was easy to just dwell with him emotionally. He also has always had such a tender heart for others. He is so soft and gentle at heart.

My husband has always had a difficult time with Bradley (who is a "junior") because my husband is hard on himself and is hard on Bradley also. Bradley is soft and gentle and my husband does not seem to possess a capacity to meet him there. However, my husband is very supportive of Bradley and they have a good relationship and are close, I just see the area of Bradley's need that my husband isn't able to meet and it gives me empathy for Bradley. Bradley wants a tenderness from my husband, like I have with him, but my husband just isn't in that space emotionally when it comes to Bradley, even though he loves him and has always been there for him in other ways.

However, I have had the opportunity on many occasions to pray with Bradley about their relationship and explain to Bradley what I just told you readers, and this has been a comfort to Bradley and God will heal this all out. I have prayed about this and asked God why does He let Bradley have this hole in his heart and I feel like the Lord responded, and circumstances seem to confirm it, and I have peace in my heart about it, that God responded, "because I want him for myself."

God wants Bradley's brokeness of heart to be satisfied in Him. God has allowed his heart to be broken because He wants to be the caretaker and holder of his heart. He wants his wounds to be a means and a source and an entry to the road to Himself and His relationship with Bradley. Bradley belongs to the Lord.

Regarding Bradley's brilliance, I used to want Bradley to be a great something-or-other because intellectually he could really show himself off, but as soon as I ever thought of these things, I would always think to myself that that is not what Bradley is going to do. First of all, he isn't a show-off, or is he? (Well, he enjoys getting a 4.0, but I don't think that he really is a showy kind of guy. He also has very few possessions. The other kids always bleed his room of anything that he gets, and he never takes any of their stuff, so he has like only one or two "things" that have really become signified as "his.")

I think that God made Bradley brilliant for Himself as well. I don't think that he will be a scientist or a mathematician or a doctor or a lawyer, though I do hope that he hangs around in college to get an advanced education, but in the end, perhaps even after fiddling in another thing (career) for a while, I think he will be in ministry, perhaps a Pastor. Or if he is in some career, it will be for the Lord to use him in that field as His ministry.

God called Bradley to go to boarding school last year (starting this past fall). I didn't want to send him and it really wasn't my idea, but God impressed it upon me to such an extent that I felt that I had to send Bradley or I would be sinning against God. Bradley also felt the call of God for him to go.

One time I told Bradley, about a year ago, I said, "Bradley, one day you will hear God calling you to something and when He calls you, you need to be ready and respond to Him yes, and do what He calls you into." Bradley responded, "Okay Mom," in a very affirming way. When my Pastor, son and I prayed for Bradley upon his departure for boarding school (A Christian school with a strong presence of God's working)Bradley's "Amen" at the end of the prayer was again so affirming, so sincere, like he was right there agreeing with God Himself.

So Bradley has a heart for God. But currently Bradley's faith is being tested. He is lonely, as he has been very connected to me and the family and God is separating him for and to Himself, but Bradley hasn't run to God yet with his loneliness and fears. It is like he is wandering around saying "it is so dry out here and I am so thirsty" but God holding a fountian of living water but Bradley isn't going to the well to drink.

When I spoke with Bradley yesterday, I asked him how his relationship with God is and he didn't answer. I know Bradley loves God, that he is not rebellious or running away from God, at least I don't think so, but he isn't going to God either. I told Bradley that he needed to pray and seek God, that he needed to hang out with the boys who are Christians, and needed to really try to be with God in the daily chapel services, and to join the Bible Study group.

Bradley mostly spends any available time playing video games, which he loves, and is somewhat addicted to. One time on a Bible Study sheet that he filled out years ago the question was asked about what may interfer with your relationship with God and he wrote, "video games," and that is still true. There is something about the games, of which he is very good at, that satisfies his mind and the way that thing works, and obviously is seeping into his heart, and just occupying his time and heart so he walks around thirsty, not going to the well to drink.

So, please pray for my son, Bradley. Pray these things that I have listed out below, and please pray for the next week to God about these matters, as the Lord brings rememberence to your heart, so we can really have an impact. Maybe I will rewrite these things on my daily posts to be a reminder:

1. That Bradley will pray to God for his needs
2. That Bradley will draw near to God
3. That Bradley will find opportunites to be drawn into ministry and real fellowship with other believers
4. That his older sister would not negatively influence him (who is also at the school)
5. That he would overcome peer pressure
6. That he would not curse
7. That he would have a desire for holiness
8. That God's calling would be upon him and God would direct him both now and a future specific calling into (whatever)ministry God has for him and Bradley would respond again, "okay, Lord"
9. That Brad would transition from childhood into manhood with his child-like faith becoming a man's faith
10. That God would become the filler and director and of Bradley's heart
11. That nothing would steer Bradley off of the right course that Bradley is to on
12. That Bradley's heart would change in that and that he would desire to remain at the boarding school (because now he wants to come home) where God has called him and that God would make that clear, removing all doubts. That Bradley or his dad wouldn't be confused about that and Bradley would remember how God called him there, so he would settle in and get into what God has for him there.
13. That God would develop and use Bradley's spiritual gifts.
14. (Since he is 14 we'll have a list of 14)That God would find a friend in Bradley and pour out His holy Spirit upon Him.

She was HOT.

I'm on a new diet, The Maker's Diet, and in it he recommends a partial day of fasting once per week, so that is what I did yesterday. He recommended praying every time that I felt hungry, so needless to say, I prayed a lot.

Yesterday was also my Bible Study day, and I hadn't gotten a lot of my homework done by yesterday, so I got extra time in His word yesterday as well.

Here is what I recall that I was struck with. And I was struck. I cried in the car and then later I cried (quietly) when I did more of the study in the restaurant where I ate my lone meal of the day. (Did I tell you this morning when the alarm went off it interupted the dream I was having about eating and possessing a whole lot of chocolates?)

They were tears of joy and gratitude. When I sat in my car alone and did part of my lesson, in the middle of doing it I exclaimed out loud to no one in particular at all, except I knew God was there, and I said, "I have never been loved like this before! I have never been taken care of like this before!"

During the group discussion time of the Bible Study later that night, I recall being impressed about how I didn't recognize one woman in the group, but I sort of did, and then I realized that it was the woman that recently had the gastric-bypass surgery. She looks so different as the weight is coming off. I was wondering if it was hard for her not being able to eat hardly anything at all. I remember thinking about the fact that in heaven perhaps I will sit around in a circle with a bunch of people also, and they will be the "blogging group of blogspot.com 2006." Well, so much for the depth of spiritual insights there. I guess my mind was wondering a bit.

When the lecture came, I loved soaking in God's word and His truths. Isn't it wonderful to sit in the bathwater of God's grace and provision and just enjoy Him? I wish that I could take it all in, but I can't. But good thing, He never changes. He is the same today, yesterday and forever. We may not be able to soak in all of God's goodness, but He is always available. Always ready to hold me.

The lesson was on the section of Genesis where Isaac gets his wife Rebecka. Rebecka was "extremely good-looking." In other words, she was HOT. (Footnote: In the blog "Sweeter than ever" there were these guys on a CD cover and a discussion ensued about how the guys were HOT, one person noticing that they were hot, but also commenting on the fact that it wasn't very spiritual to say so. What to do? Well, the servant in Genesis noticed that Rebecka was hot, but he also noticed all of the other attributes about her as well, and in the passage we see how he remained very spiritually focused, even though she noticed that Rebecka was a hotty. Maybe he wouldn't have used that term. Maybe the used of that term tilts the whole perspective out of the spiritual?)

She was quite a beautiful woman in her behavior as well, personable and hospitable, watering ALL TEN of the camels, and offered to do so. She was pure also, a virgin. And she was adventurous - willing to go 600 miles to a land she had never been, to marry a man she had never met and to travel there with a stranger. She was also the eager recipient of nice things. She readily put on the gold rings and bracelets. She wasn't bashful or apologetic, both for receiving the nice things and for being beautiful. But these things were secondary in importance over hospitality and purity which were of secondary importance to God's plan. She was the girl that God had picked out for Isaac. That was the key. Abraham and the servant, who picked the girl, wanted to find the girl that God had planned for Isaac, not the hottest virgin or the hardest working or the most hospitable. But, what do you know, they got the whole package. "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all of these things will be added to you."

Jesus,
Bless me to be like Rebecka, even in my middle age, and bless my girls to be as Rebecka and my sons to seek after and find the woman that You have chosen for them, and may they be Rebeckas. Go with me today in EVERY SINGLE THING and in EVERY SINGLE THING in my husband's and four children's lives. Give strength, patience, and wisdom to my husband, expanding his hospitable and giving heart and securing His ways and protecting him from evil. Bless our home designing process and all of the finances regarding everything involved, especially all of the little things that add up. Help me in my spending habits. Bless Your name. Be with me in my eating. Amen.

She was HOT.

I'm on a new diet, The Maker's Diet, and in it he recommends a partial day of fasting once per week, so that is what I did yesterday. He recommended praying every time that I felt hungry, so needless to say, I prayed a lot.

Yesterday was also my Bible Study day, and I hadn't gotten a lot of my homework done by yesterday, so I got extra time in His word yesterday as well.

Here is what I recall that I was struck with. And I was struck. I cried in the car and then later I cried (quietly) when I did more of the study in the restaurant where I ate my lone meal of the day. (Did I tell you this morning when the alarm went off it interupted the dream I was having about eating and possessing a whole lot of chocolates?)

They were tears of joy and gratitude. When I sat in my car alone and did part of my lesson, in the middle of doing it I exclaimed out loud to no one in particular at all, except I knew God was there, and I said, "I have never been loved like this before! I have never been taken care of like this before!"

During the group discussion time of the Bible Study later that night, I recall being impressed about how I didn't recognize one woman in the group, but I sort of did, and then I realized that it was the woman that recently had the gastric-bypass surgery. She looks so different as the weight is coming off. I was wondering if it was hard for her not being able to eat hardly anything at all. I remember thinking about the fact that in heaven perhaps I will sit around in a circle with a bunch of people also, and they will be the "blogging group of blogspot.com 2006." Well, so much for the depth of spiritual insights there. I guess my mind was wondering a bit.

When the lecture came, I loved soaking in God's word and His truths. Isn't it wonderful to sit in the bathwater of God's grace and provision and just enjoy Him? I wish that I could take it all in, but I can't. But good thing, He never changes. He is the same today, yesterday and forever. We may not be able to soak in all of God's goodness, but He is always available. Always ready to hold me.

The lesson was on the section of Genesis where Isaac gets his wife Rebecka. Rebecka was "extremely good-looking." In other words, she was HOT. (Footnote: In the blog "Sweeter than ever" there were these guys on a CD cover and a discussion ensued about how the guys were HOT, one person noticing that they were hot, but also commenting on the fact that it wasn't very spiritual to say so. What to do? Well, the servant in Genesis noticed that Rebecka was hot, but he also noticed all of the other attributes about her as well, and in the passage we see how he remained very spiritually focused, even though she noticed that Rebecka was a hotty. Maybe he wouldn't have used that term. Maybe the used of that term tilts the whole perspective out of the spiritual?)

She was quite a beautiful woman in her behavior as well, personable and hospitable, watering ALL TEN of the camels, and offered to do so. She was pure also, a virgin. And she was adventurous - willing to go 600 miles to a land she had never been, to marry a man she had never met and to travel there with a stranger. She was also the eager recipient of nice things. She readily put on the gold rings and bracelets. She wasn't bashful or apologetic, both for receiving the nice things and for being beautiful. But these things were secondary in importance over hospitality and purity which were of secondary importance to God's plan. She was the girl that God had picked out for Isaac. That was the key. Abraham and the servant, who picked the girl, wanted to find the girl that God had planned for Isaac, not the hottest virgin or the hardest working or the most hospitable. But, what do you know, they got the whole package. "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all of these things will be added to you."

Jesus,
Bless me to be like Rebecka, even in my middle age, and bless my girls to be as Rebecka and my sons to seek after and find the woman that You have chosen for them, and may they be Rebeckas. Go with me today in EVERY SINGLE THING and in EVERY SINGLE THING in my husband's and four children's lives. Give strength, patience, and wisdom to my husband, expanding his hospitable and giving heart and securing His ways and protecting him from evil. Bless our home designing process and all of the finances regarding everything involved, especially all of the little things that add up. Help me in my spending habits. Bless Your name. Be with me in my eating. Amen.

"Okay Lord, I'll take it from here!"

My life as a Christian has been a continual living out of that phrase again and again and again. I heard a Pastor say once that our bodies are living sacrifices and they keep getting off of the alter. Yeah, I want to serve God, I want to trust Him, but it is hard living suspended in mid-air. But I guess that since He can hold the moon up He can hold me and my little problems just fine.

Yesterday I was picking up something at the office that my husband and I have had for the past almost three years. I am so amazed as what the Lord is having my husband do, and I just can not believe it.

So anyway, I was picking up some things and I walked by the desk and I saw this financial thing that my husband was placed in charge of. Go figure. No way. My husband has never been good at anything remotely like that, I thought to myself.

In a flash of a moment I thought about how my husband also has never, ever been good or able to run our finances so in what possible universe is he going to keep our entire world from falling apart, since he is so bad at running the finances?

I am in a continual state of anxiety that one day my husband will come home and inform us that we have serious financial problems.

In the olden days, like when we were first married, or before we were married, we received regular Bank of America notices like they were our very good friends, because of the checks that we continually bounced.

Ever since I became a Christian, in early 1984, my two major prayers have been for my husband's salvation and for God to fix our finances.

My husband and I have gone back and forth over the years as to who is in charge of the finances. When I was in charge, I did pretty well, I thought, except for the fact that I could never control HIM, my husband.

Other times in the past that my husband has controlled the finances, I don't think that he did a good job at all. But, about two years ago, he has begun doing the finances again, and what is more, has been in his own business, running those finances also. Then, to top it off, my sister-in-law died about two years ago, and there was a fairly large inheritance for which a trust was created, and my husband has recently been placed in charge (along with one other person) of deciding how to handle that money, of which belongs to a group of about 10-12 people.

About two or three years ago, my husband has begun showing confirming evidence that he is a Christian. This was about the same time that he has come in charge of handling all of this stuff. Meanwhile, I am just so anxious, thinking that everything is going to fall apart. He is not a saver. He is not conservative when it comes to finances or business.

So the years go by, and I see things happening, like he is talking with a CPA for the business (that seems good, okay, he is going to pay taxes and organize the corporation of the business) and meets with a financial advisor. (Can he get him to actually save for the future? What a novel idea.)

Going back to yesterday, I was in the office and observed some paperwork for the trust and there was this invoice for like this big chuck of sum of money, for I-don't-know-what and I said to God in a flippant way, something derogatory and it was blasphemous, something like, but not these exact words, "You don't know what You are doing," with the implication that God is stupid.

Immediately I apologized and realized that I should be on my face in repentance. To talk to God that way. To disbelieve what He is doing. To not trust what He is doing and how He is working.

So throughout the day I repented, and felt very appreciative for God's grace and mercy upon me. I feel like I should be run over by a truck or something, because I am so disbelieving of what God can do, and am so arrogant about what I think I can do. I trust more in what I can see than who God is. He is the caretaker for me.

We live in a beautiful house. There are no little notes from the bank from bounced checks. There are no liens. There are no foreclosures or threats of such. No, I don't think that we have been good stewards of all that God has given us. I am sad that we don't do more in the way of charity, but God wants me to let my husband run the finances and in due time, God will answer that prayer that I have had for all these years. That He would fix our finances and that we could give more to God’s work.

Over these past couple of years, God has caused me to depend upon His provision day by day. To look out upon the ground and see the fresh manna for the day. To thank God for another day in our beautiful house with my husband and family. To trust God for His faithfulness. The house built upon the rock. It will stand. He is holding us in His hand.

Dear Lord Jesus,
I want to make my requests known to You, with thanksgiving. With thanksgiving. With thanksgiving. Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving. Thank You Lord for putting my husband in charge of this house. That is Your order and You are making my husband into the man that You want Him to be. Thank You so much, that even though in my husband I don't see the outwardly show of a form of Christianity that may be easy to drum-up, I see the making of a man who loves His family and cries at church when Your word is read, whose habits have changed and whose friends are beginning to change. Lord, You are making buildings as large as the twin towers of my husband's heart and mind to come tumbling down, as You are undermining the assumptions he has gathered over the 49 years of his life. Thank You for the evidences of Your fruit in His life. You know what I want - thank You for giving me what I need instead. You are the Provider of good things. Not houses of wood and fun paint per say, but eternal stones that worship You in spirit and in truth. I do pray that You would bless my husband's ability in these financial matters. Lord, it is me that You are changing also, maybe more so. Help me to receive Your steadfast love. You do not labor or spin and there is no shadow of turning in Thee. Lord, when You do put our financial world together, I can take no credit for it myself. You have tied my hands. I can just raise my hands and say, "thank You," and enjoy the fruits of other people's labor. Thank You right now for every material blessing that I have and enjoy. I am sorry that I am so temporal. Thank You for spending so much time in Your word about these things that trouble people like me. I know that You are blessing my husband. Bless him Lord. Give him wisdom and insight, strength and good fortune, that when all is said and done, I will know, we all will know what You have done, and not of his flesh, not of my flesh. Let this home be a testimony to Your goodness and faithfulness to us. Lord, perhaps we will never be organized in our finances to the degree that it would satisfy me. Help me to see that You will provide and that everything doesn't have to be in a perceived neat order. Help me to rest in You and enjoy everyday life. I cast my cares upon Your mighty back. Thank You for the example of the moon that You hold suspended in the sky. You can hold me too, suspended in mid-air, relying upon You - like Peter on that water, Oh Lord. Let me worship and honor You today. Amen.

FINALLY

I finally have a chance to blog. I was looking forward to it all day. I hoped to be able to blog yesterday but ran out of time. When I finally got a chance to sit at the computer tonight, I had to do my email stuff first. Then I got to read other blogs. I read those who just commented on my site. I was touched a lot by what I read because people love the Lord. What a church the Lord is building!

My husband and I bought a cuckoo clock today for our kitchen! It sings two songs and had a cuckoo that comes out on the hour. It also has deers that jump and a water wheel that turns. It has weights that dangle. It will be hung in our kitchen which we had painted light green. We are developing a fun house. My God's blessing continue to be upon it!

I made homemade soup. That was fun. It is remarkable because I never cook. I had a nice time with my family today. We miss our two oldest children who are in boarding school.

"No discipline at the time is joyful, but painful. But when one is trained by it, it yeilds the peaceful fruit of righteousness" (Approximate quote).

I gotta go to sleep now. I am so tired. Not much insightful that I have said. Let me try to fix that before I nod off.

Well, what comes to mind is the verse in which the man of God said that he had to praise God, because if he didn't even the rocks would cry out. That thought with a twist is this: I don't need to try to come up with something insightful, because even the rocks cry out with the wisdom of God. He is so gracious to give us so much of His beauty and wisdom to behold. Seek His wisdom. Doesn't Proverbs say that wisdom cries out in the streets? Pleasant dreams.

An appointed place

Last night and this morning I have been reflecting upon the reality that God has an appointed place for each of His children, a place that is best for them, a place that they were created to occupy.

Jesus said to His disciples who asked to be seated at His left and right in the kingdom, that those places are for those for whom they are reserved.

Hagar and Ishmael, from Abraham's day, each had an appointed place, but they were unwilling to accept it. They should have accepted their place and been happy. Easier to say that do - that's for sure!

I don't really like being appointed to the limitations (as I had always seen it) of being a woman. I don't like being "appointed" to having to trust each day for God's provision and mercy. Like I have said before, just give me stored up grain for seven years and I will be set.

I want to be appointed a great place of power. Like to be a governor, or a famous person - someone really special. That is why I initially wanted to be a doctor, to get respect and honor. Yes, I am a doctor. A doctor. A psychiatrist really is a doctor.

But God didn't choose me to be a doctor so that I could have so-called percieved respect. He wanted to teach me (I think) how to be merciful.

God sees my real personality. I see what the environment has twisted me to want to be. Why do I need to be somebody, if not to try to fix some of my old "issues," or just to feed my pride?

The lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh and the pride of life - these sins get us all, one or the other or all of them. For me, pride has been the big one for me thus far in this life.

God made me to be a different sort of person than I would be on my own. He made me to have certain likes and interests, that I wouldn't find on my own if it were not for His help.

Lately I have begun to realize that my personality isn't even to be famous, or in a position of great power. My personality is to be quiet, for the most part, to be busy at home and to just reflect upon the great things of God. To pray and meditate. It is there that I find contentment. God has not called me to be famous, at least not yet and at least not any time soon.

What a hassle it would be to be famous. All that worrying that I would do. I don't even like the spotlight. It is my false self that thinks she wants the spotlight to fulfill the mistaken notion that being seen is being loved and appreicated.

I have God's love and I am content. Lord, Help me to stay in step with Your Spirit, doing whatever You call me to do. You know the plans that You have for me. You know who I really am. You know what is best for me. Help me to trust You moment by moment and day by day. Thank You for holding my world together. In Jesus' name, Amen.

An undivided heart sees the impossible

Yesterday I meditated on this verse from Psalms: "Teach me Your ways, oh Lord; Give me an undivided heart that I might fear Thee."

That is what I need. An undivided heart. It is because of my divided heart that I have anxiety. It is because of my divided heart that I worry waht others may think instead of what God wants me to do. It is because I have a divided heart that I don't just rest in God's provision.

The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. An undivided heart gives us fear of God which is the beginning of making wise choices and thinking in a wise manner and doing wise things. Caring what God wants and being concerned about not following Him wholeheartedly.

Dear Jesus,
Thank You for carrying my burdens today. Please give me an undivided heart that I may discern Your will for me, that I may walk in You best path for me, that I may dwell in that place of rest and peace, secure in You bosom and free from entanglements. Give glory to Yourself. Amen.

The other thing that I thought about yesterday was a verse from a sermon that I had written down and then I re-read it yesterday and it stuc with me. "What God wants to do in your life is impossible for you to do."

Yes, I want God to do the impossible in my life. When God is doing the impossible in my life, that is going to cause me anxiety, because life Peter, I am spiritually walking on the water. So I see God doing all kinds of things around me, not even from me, but around me, from others in my family, and I don't have control. I have never receieved the feeling of others doing things in a way that helps me. I mean to say that I don't receive that type of blessing. I have always been in control. When I pray, and I see God work, I can see what He is doing. Just having God do the impossible around and in the people I love in my family, and me just resting and receiving what He is doing, the impossible things that He is holding together, is a new experience for me. An experience that I want to feel, that I want to do and participate in.

Dear Jesus,
Thank you for the impossible that You want to do and are doing in me life and through others who love You. Lord, help me to receive the love and kind things that others have for me, while at the same time, trusting You and keeping my eyes on You. Expand my heart to become the person that You want me to be. Help my family members to walk upon the water. Help me to rest among them in doing so, in participating in You great works. Glorify You name. Hold us together in the things that You are doing. Bless the prayers from the other day. Amen.

Well, hope there are no typos, cause I gotta go and will publish this now.

Trusting and Receiving (and don't forget to read the last paragraph, ladies)

This post really is a part two from yesterday's post. One was written before I went to sleep, and the other after I woke up (not that you have time or inclination for all this mild outburst of drama in your lives - but just to let you know).

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.” Prov 3.

Yesterday started out good enough, in fact it did start out good, because I was feeling good about the six hours of dictation work done that I wanted to get done the day before. As the day wore on, I kept looking at the pile of work that I felt needed to get done and began feeling more and more unable to accomplish it.

I began taking everything upon myself, like I was holding my world together.

God has given us so much – me and my family and I fall into a habit of thinking that I need to hold it all together, or the kind of thinking that says, “What are you going to do when this all falls apart?”

I hear verses like not worrying because what is that going to do? You know, about the birds of the field and the lilies of the valley. Last night I read in James, “Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.”

“Lord, My Lord Jesus Christ,
Thank you for showing me what happens when I take things upon myself. Oh Lord, You see that I cannot handle my life. I know that You have held my world together and I need to continue to leave things in Your mighty and precious and capable hands. Lord, it is You that I do not trust. People aren’t really the problem because You hold the world together, not people. There is no perfect person. You took care of Sarah when Abraham didn’t. You took care of David’s kingdom while he slept with someone else’s wife. You know the end from the beginning. You created me in secret in my mother’s womb and have made me who I am.

Lord, Please enable my husband to be able to take care of all of the responsibilities that You put at his feet. Better yet Lord, You take care of them. Lord, I have been hurt and disappointed so many times in my life by people who made foolish choices and I felt that did not come through for me. Lord, I am so afraid that everything regarding our house and finances are going to fall apart. I remember my rich aunt and uncle who nearly lost all of their wealth and ended up leaving the country when they were a little older than us. I remember my parents whose home fell apart and left each other and their home in ruins and got a divorce when they were just a little older than us. I look at my in-laws, whom I first met when they were a little older than us, and they were and are like cavities – shells – remnants of people. Who are they? They are not happy and they are so lazy and they sit all day for the past 25 years and watch TV. Lord, we don’t have role models.

Lord, I remember when I was studying to be a doctor and how hard it was in that I felt like I had no role models. Perhaps I am going through a change in this time of my life, now that I will be 44 and my husband will be 50, and again there is uncertainty. I’d like to look at the role models, but there really isn’t anyone. There is my other uncle and aunt. The one who gave his life to you and brought me to Calvary Chapel for the first time, but who now does not have evidence of following you. He curses your name, but I think that he will be saved by the skin of his teeth. You blessed he and his wife. They were nearly broke, but you restored his money and have given them wealth. Also, I think that their children are looking for You. You are calling them and I pray for them, my cousins, because You are faithful even when we are not. Your mercies are beyond imagination.

Lord, this is my prayer request. Lord, I really like how You have allowed me to act more like a woman and less like a Charge Commander. I like how my husband is doing the finances. I liked it when I decided to cut back my hours working several months ago and not worry about it but to not work like a crazy fool, because that was just stupid. And the months have gone by and nothing bad has happened from my cutting back the work hours. But I am afraid that my husband isn’t really able to handle the finances properly. Yet, I don’t feel like I can handle them either. So, Lord, please take care of our money situation. It is so complicated. Please give my husband wisdom and blessing like that of Bill Gates! Not that I want to have that kind of money or responsibility, but I do want to be good stewards of what You have given us. I pray that my husband would have everything put together financially to be a blessing. I pray that You would help us with our tax preparation and tax payments. I pray that You would help my husband with his business and me with my business. I pray that You would help him with his financial advisors and tax people and business workers, so much.

I pray that You would sustain us in our house. Lord, the home is so beautiful that it is so overwhelming to me. I am so undeserving. You know that I feel that way, so please do not let me undermine what You have given me, but to accept it graciously. So I say, “thank you Lord” for the beautiful home. Not only it’s physical beauty, which is immense but also the emotional atmosphere in that home. Sustain that house and protect it in every way.

I pray that You would bring my husband into Your own ministry with You. Lord, it is so frustrating, because he and I are like opposite personalities. He is as slow as molasses and so timid in some ways, although on the surface he doesn’t look that way. Part of him is paralyzed, while part of me jumps in both feet before I’ve had time to consider what I have gotten into. Lord, as my husband goes back to the basketball ministry thing that You have blessed him in the last few years, I pray that you would so do something in and through him that in June when the season is over, the season wouldn’t be over but he would continue in a ministry with You. Lord, he so much needs male Christian friends and he so much needs to participate in the things that You are doing in a greater way.

Lord, with our home becoming so beautiful, I pray first of all that you would enable it to stay clean and orderly, so I wouldn’t undo all that you have done for it and for me. I thank you for Gloria and the other cleaners who said that they could come over on those times. I pray that the finances would be in order to take care of that. I pray that I would have the courage to dwell in that beautiful clean home. Oh Lord! It is like my dream that is on this profile! Lord, I am so overwhelmed and undeserving and I guess that I just don’t trust it to stay or I think that I am doing something wrong or I just don’t trust or believe You. Lord, enable me to just say, “Thank you, Lord.” So, thank you Lord.
Lord, I pray that our home, that this home may become a place of ministry for You. Lord, I don’t want Satan to be magnified in our home. I want You to dwell and be magnified in our home. Please bring Christian ministry to our home. Please limit any bad people or negative influences to come into our home. Lord, please don’t let me fall into the mindset that if ministry is in our home, then it is okay to be a beautiful home so then I don’t really have to just receive Your gift. Then I don’t really have to just say, “thank You Lord, for all that You have done.”

Lord, I pray about each of my four beautiful children that You have bestowed upon me. Lord, they are each so precious and perfect and lovely. I am so glad that you let us have four children. How now I wish that I had more, because I love them each so much and they are each so amazing and I love every second that I had to pour into their little lives. Lord, it is so hard to have them grow up.

Lord it is like, from the first time that I was allowed to stare and gaze into the first set of little eyes, that I found a life in me that had never been there before. The magic, the grandeur, the fabulous world within a world of looking into a toddlers eyes, of hearing their giggles, of seeing the first steps, of wiping the burps, of changing the diapers, of running here and there and trying to hold it all together. Of waiting in the emergency room, of warming another bottle, of teaching them to read, of leading them to the Lord.

Then the day comes when they don’t want my advice. They are making their own way. They are leaving and never going back to the little babies that needed me, of the little set of eyes that smiled when they saw me come. They are now wonderfully, talented and well-developed youths who are each very, very successful and blessed, who say or don’t say their own prayers, who think their own thoughts and who will forever be apart from me, in the sense that they will never be my babies again. And the world that I knew of that little micro-world of perfect contentment of looking into their eyes and their looking into mine will never again reoccur because they are growing up and that they should do but I am sad because that phase, that magical phase of my life is over, nearly over, almost over.

So Lord, I pray that you would continue to bless my children, and help me to help us all go one to this next phase of our lives. Help me to not try to do things myself, for what You have given and done is Your creation, not mine. Help me to trust in You and dwell in You, wanting nothing. Amen.”

Addendum: I was eating breakfast after writing this and read about Peter, and how he sunk in the water after taking his eyes off of the Lord. I can walk in faith so long as I keep my eyes on the Lord. The Lord has carried me especially these past 20 years, and great things he has done. I need to keep looking into His eyes, not elsewhere.

Ladies! My other site has become enhanced, and I've taken off the comment moderation. It has an upgraded title. What do you think? Oh, and its pink! It is a bit of a lively site today, perhaps controversial. Please don't be offended. I am hoping that it will develop into a place where I can detail a bit about how I am learning how to live life out as uniquely a woman of God, not a human person, not a man, but a woman of God, and how I can enjoy that, and tolerate this growing old thing that is happening to me, and capture a bit of womanness before the whole game is over (which will be a nice body enhancement I am definatly looking forward to). I will continue "My Food and My Body - an occasional series" on the site of the "Adventures of the Ordinary Christian." In that way, I can take the opportunity to develop the background of how I got to where I am today. The other site, "For Ladies Only: An Ordinary Woman's Diet, Fitness, Weight and Beauty Log and Diary" will take place from the present on, for the most part. So, have some fun with me and join me from time to time, but keep on this site too! Love ya.

Get Ready for this one

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like I’ve ever really trusted anybody enough. Once a blogger spoke about remembering how it felt as a little girl to sit in her grandmother’s lap, and I reflected at that time, “Gee, I don’t ever remember relaxing in someone’s lap.”

My parents loved me and wanted me, but I never remember feeling rested in their laps. I always tried to get away from my mother’s grasp. My father never tried to hold me. He wasn’t the touchy type, except to cross the street. Then he would dutifully hold my hand and that was sort of wonderful. There weren’t that many streets.

Sometimes my mom would spot us with her eye and then approach my brother or me and we would just cringe. She would kiss us with a sloppy and loud kiss on our cheek that we would rub away with a loud groan. It wasn’t relaxing. My dad would make the same kind of shriek when my mother approached him. He would push her away too. He would be like trying to watch TV or something and she would come over and try to plant one on him. The whole memory-picture is rather sad and tragic, although not completely so.

As a little girl, I remember waking up many a night with anxiety as I heard my parents argue. They usually picked nighttime to fight. It was awful and not very considerate. My brother and I would like yell for them to cut it out, but they couldn’t stop themselves.

A couple weeks ago, I went to bed early to then awake to hear my husband shout about something. He was upset with the child for something. He just let out one holler and that was it. Not that that is good conduct or anything, but it wasn’t that big of a deal either. But when I was awakened from my sleep to hear the holler, even though brief and even though the situation was resolved in a moment, I kept lying there, my heart beating in my chest, feeling anxious for no reason except out of an old habit, so to speak. I reflected upon those early nights as a child when I would lay in bed anxious as my parent yelled on and on, saying mean things to one another.

As a small child, I remember feeling like I was a ball of rage and I was always at the edge of some out-of-control behavior. I wasn’t that bad of a kid, but I had a lot of these uncomfortable feelings stirred about inside of me. Perhaps I just wanted to relax in someone’s lap with someone who was relaxed as well, and bigger than me and could hush me to sleep and tell me that everything was going to be okay, that they were here and nothing bad would ever happen to me and that they understood and I could just feel that wonderful feeling of relaxing in a grown-up pair of arms.

As a new wife I depended greatly upon my older husband. We began dating when I was 18 and he was 24. We moved in together the month I turned twenty. We were married when I was twenty-one and later that year, I became a born-again Christian.

My husband seemed to be everything that I could ever want and need, and boy, did I need him. I needed him, like, well, I could talk about a silly analogy or two – like a flower needs the sun, like the flower needs the rain. He thought that I would be a good doctor, and I wanted to be a doctor, so I felt like heaven on earth, like I found my soul mate, like I could face the world and conquer it.

Soon enough, God began the long and laborious process of creating my own person out of me, separate from my husband. “If only he could be a Christian,” I would cry out to God, then I could really trust him. I just wanted to be able to trust my husband the way that I could trust a dependable, perfect Father in heaven. But God did not "fix" my husband and He did not save him for a long, long, long time. My problem was much more complicatd than an imperfect husband.

Nineteen years after I became a Christian, did my husband begin to show the slightest acceptance of the things of God. And during all of those years, God changed me more than He changed my husband, I think. (Well, let’s hope so, since I was the Christian.) I needed changing. I needed growing up and maturing and finding myself apart from a man than I wanted to hide within.

These days, I feel like I am more out on a limb that I have ever been in my life. Everything that I am and everything that I believe, everything that I do and everything that I desire, is wrapped up in God and I can’t see Him or feel Him. Sometimes I feel like I feel Him, but I don’t know if it is Him. I think it is Him, but it may not be Him, and He is just not a person that I can talk to like I need Him to be.

I need Him to sit down on a big rocking chair and call me out to come and sit on His lap. I need to be able to relax in his arms and for Him to hold me and comfort me and tell me how it is all going to turn out. I need Him to physically be here but He is not here. He is here but I can’t see Him. He is working, but I’m not sure in what way exactly, and I want to know exactly, because I want to trust what I know.

I trust God, but I want to be able to trust a person too, I guess, or I want to be able to trust God as though He were a person that I could relate to and understand. God is so big, that when I think that I have Him figured out, He changes.

My life is wonderful and yet it is not. I want (the carnal person in me wants) so very much, so very, very, very, very much to be like the man who stored up all of his grain for many years to come, so all he had to do was trust in it, because nothing bad was ever going to happen to him bad again, because he had all that grain. And he had plenty of everything that he needed and he was fully satisfied on this earth. There is no such person and there is never comfort or rest in things of this earth, but oh, how I wish it were not the case.

I am not fully satisfied on this earth. I keep thinking that if such and such were different and if so and so did things differently, perfectly and the way that I think that they should be done, then I can relax. Then everything will turn out okay. Then I can fall sweetly asleep. Meanwhile, God is taking care of everything and has always taken care of everything for me. He has showed me tremendous favor and blessing. Even the fact that I was not rested/relaxed as a child, He turns for my ultimate good and His glory.

Sometimes I feel anxious and sometimes I am still frantically searching for the person that I can crawl into, hide away in and everything will be all right. Well, Jesus is that somebody, but like I said, He is difficult to assess sometimes.

Like tonight, I was driving down the strange road, with these strange circumstances and very real concerns (yet God has never let me down before regarding these “very real concerns”) and I was praying and talking to God, and I said to God, “but I don’t even know who You are,” not exactly, not precisely for this situation. Who can really (fully) know God?

And then it makes me think that life is just so difficult when you really don’t trust others enough - when there is a part of you that is like an open socket that is firing, and it just needs to be soothed, but it isn’t going to be soothed, because no one can sooth, because no one can comfort the little girl who refuses to be comforted, who can not be comforted, who can not relax, who will not really relax, until one fine day the King of kings and the Lord of lords comes on His white horse for me. And He will lift me up and He will wipe my tears and I will ride upon that horse’s back and we will ride away and then later the little girl will fall asleep in her Papa’s arms and everything will be okay.

I really do feel better now. I hope that wasn’t too intense or weird for you. Ahhhhhhh…(exhale). God bless you.

"So what's up with the adoption stuff?"

To summarize:

Back in July of 2005, I was listening to Christmas music in my car. I had the CD "WOW Christmas music" playing. I was in the habit of skipping over and around the Tobymac song, "This Christmas," because it was hauntingly depressing. It struck me as a song about little girls and boys who don't have any family for Christmas, and what are you going to do about it? How are you going to enjoy your Christmas while you just ignore others with no Christmas? I got over this avoidance-of-the-song problem and thought to myself, "that's silly," and was just listening to the music.

Have you ever thought that God spoke to you? I thought that God spoke to me in 1984 when He impressed to me, "you need to decide what side you are on," and kicking and screaming (emphasize kicking and screaming - I only chose God because God made it clear that hell was a really bad alternative)and I became a reluctant Christian.

I believe God spoke to me when I read the Bible in 1985 as I read Phillipians 1:4 that "He who began a good work in you would finish it until the day of Christ Jesus" and that it was God encouraging me to continue in my studies to become a doctor, that He would be with me.

I believe that the Lord spoke to me as He showed me comfort through II Corthinthians, "in order that you may comfort others with any affliction," as I sat in my car with tears and a Bible and wondered if God could help me in my situation, in my pain and agony.

I thought that God spoke to me when He lead me to believe that He was going to be with me as I became a doctor, and every patient I helped, that it was going to be God there helping - that He was going to work through me, and that yes, I would make it through the boards.

I believe God spoke to me day after day, week after week and month after month and yes, year after year, when I opened that little NIV Bible on the L train in Philadelphia in the late 1980's. When I read Isaiah, Hosea, Romans and other passages, God was there telling me, "you got to believe me on this, come on, Andrea, yes, it is Me, believe me on this. I will do to your husband what I will do for Israel. I will draw him with cords of lovingkindness and he will turn to me and I will be His God." Then one day as I sat there in that Clavary Chapel service and Pastor Joe F read from Romans chapter four, about how Abraham believed God, my insides warmed like with a slow burning fire and I just knew God was speaking to me and I had to believe it, that yes, God wanted me to believe that one day my husband would become a Christian. Then, 19 years after going to church alone, my husband began attending church with me. Now his insides are being burned alive during each service as every high and lofty thing lifted up against the knowledge of God is being stripped away, and he sits in that chair and though he has believed, he yet is coming to understand and grasp just how high and wide and great is the love of God for him, and that yes, God does and can love, even him. It's like he still isn't that sure that God really could actually love him. (I bought this picture for my bathroom and it says, "God rejoices over you with singing, and it makes me think about how my husband needs to hear that, and be reminded of that, and how beautiful it is that he is coming to understand that.)

So anyway, there I was on that nice July morning in 2005, driving down the freeway, having just dropped my children off at their summer school program, listening to Tobymac and I got the distinct impression that God said to me, "you're going to do this for a kid at" and the name of my child's boarding school followed next, that we would do it for one of those kids.

I felt overwhelmed because God just spoke to me in a really clear and vivid way! I think that I turned off the music right away, and sat there in awe. Oh my! I felt I needed to respond right away to, like confirm or acknowedge what God just did, build an alter or something. So I called two friends and left voice mails on both of their machines. The first girlfriend is a sweetie who is really my best friend, who loves Jesus, and saw two of my children being born. I remember telling her that years ago I told my husband that I wanted to adopt, but he was not interested in it at all. That is to say that right then in the first few minutes after God spoke to me through the song, adoption came to my mind, not having thought about it since many years before my 15 year-old had been born. The second phone call that I made was to a dean at my children's school. I think I left some vague message that I don't recall at this time the details.

The wheels started turning and churning, in my mind and in reality. I asked my husband about adopting a child that we could help go to my child's school. He thought it was a good idea and asked that I write the school, which I did. At first we were thinking that we didn't necessarily have to legally adopt a child, but we wanted to be like a surrogate family. We ended up contacting the Kentucky Special Needs Adoption Unit and a local Christian Adoption Agency and completing all of the necessary paperwork to adopt a child. Fingerprints, background study, appointments and meetings with social workers, letters of recommendations, health checks, autobiography writings, etc. Throughout all this, it seemed that God had the doors wide open.

This period of time was so exciting for me because it felt like God was moving in my life, and not me begging God to move on my behalf. It was something that He drummed up and I was following where I thought He was leading and all the doors were open and the whole prospect of adopting and aquiring another child filled me with joy! My husband, who years ago happened to mention that he would "never" adopt (so I forgot about it), suddenly thought adoption was a good idea, and really seemed motivated to help a child. (I thought that his change of heart was because he actually had a literal "change of heart" yielding his life to Christ in more recent times). People that we had to approach thought the idea was great and wrote glowing letters of recommendation. The homestudy went well. Next thing we knew we were on the final list to adopt Matt. Then we were not chosen to adopt Matt.

So this is where things are at now: After being declined to adopt Matt (yet we were selected apparently from a large stack of very good home studies to be one of three ideal families), I emailed the social workers there in Kentucky and told them that us picking a child was too difficult for us, and they, having our homestudy information, and having got to know us, probably know best what child would be best in our home. I told them our original idea was to help a child that would be a good candidate for that school, but of course, we wouldn't necessarily have them go to the school, just if it seemed to be a good fit. I told them that we wanted to help any child in need, but we are an academically focused family, and so a child with at least an average IQ would probably be best. I mentioned that we would be very interested in a child who was interested in the things of God and Jesus, because we are a Christian family. Guess what I heard back? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

It makes me wonder if the agency really wants to let the children be adopted out. With all of the special needs children, not ONE child would benefit from having a real family to bless them and send them through private Christian School and college? (We mentioned that we were interested in helping an older child through high school and college.) Not one child.

Meanwhile, I had cc'd a copy of that email that I sent to the Kentucky agency to my husband, along with the "thank you for your interest" email rejection notice that I got from them regarding Matt. My husband and I talked about it a few days later. My husband said, "I've been thinking about that and I don't think that I want to do that anymore, to adopt." Well, of course not. Do you know how hard it is to pick a child from a web site and begin to pray over that child and begin to think of that child amongst your family and then not get that child? We had already thought about a child named Brent, and then there was Matt. Then there is no response from the agency to our open request to adopt any child in need, providing some loose criteria. Logic would tell you that you don't feel like putting yourself through that anymore.

It was hard on me spiritually, because I wondered why God took us all along the freeway to drop us off at a "how did we get here?" sort of destination. I recalled the book that I read and re-read over the summer, "Experiencing God," by Blackby. I remembered how he said that when God seems to speak to you, but then you get lost and wonder what happened, go back to the place that you were sure that He spoke to you last.

That takes me back on that freeway in July of 2005. I think that God spoke to me that we would be "doing that" (like in the song, helping someone with no family) for a kid who went to my daughter's school. I think that God told me that. I think that He told me what He was going to do. In response to what He said, I prepared myself to receive the gift the He was going to give us. When I prepared myself I found open door upon open door until suddenly all the door slammed shut. But God said what He was going to do. So now I don't need to do to anything anymore at this time. He said what He was going to do. I did all I could do to prepare myself to receive what He is going to do. Now it is time to wait.

Doesn't it remind you of Abraham? God said what He was going to do, and it excited Abraham and Sarah so much, but they couldn't wait and they figured that they had to help God out, and came up with the "have sex with my maid" idea. When there comes a time and there is nothing left to do, there is nothing left to do but wait. That is where we are at. That is where I am at. Because now God has to work because clearly my husband is a bit turned off at this point. He wanted to help, but now I think he wants to help if it is clear that he is able to help - only if he is asked, or wanted to provide help. He isn't going to go begging to help when nobody wants any help. Who wants that kind of rejection?

Who knows what God will do? Not me. However, though I don't know when, and I don't know how, I don't know who and I don't know why, but this I know. What God says, God is able to do. Do I KNOW that I heard God perfectly? No, I don't need to know that anyway. I think I heard God. If I did hear God, then He will do what He said that He will do. I have responded to His call by doing all that I knew to logically to do, and now there is nothing more than I am to logically do but wait and be still and know that He is God. He will act when and how He wants and in the mean time, I can rest, rest, rest as a child of God and enjoy this time with the blessed and wonderful family that God has given me.

After God sopke to Abraham, Abraham waited like 13 years or something before hearing form God again. Then there was another delay. And when Ishmael was born, Abraham thought initially that he was the promised child but it was through Isaac that the promise would come. It is God's efforts that are blessed, not man's efforts.

I yeild myself to God and thank Him for the great things that He has done. He has really changed me through these past several months. I am relieved in a way that we have just our four children at this time, at least in part because I perpetually look at the bright side of things. It is a nasty habit. No, it is a wonderful habit. God makes all things work together for the good for those who love God and are the called according to His purposes. Thank y'all for praying and being with me though these past several months. His purposes will stand and He will do what He purposes in our lives. Praise Him in His holiness. Thank you God, that You do as You want in all of the earth.

One in an occasional series: "My Food and My Body"

Today I will talk about it. Again. And just when you thought you could trust looking into my blog!

This is one article in an occasional series that is discussing my journey of weight loss, my journey of finding my body, and myself - an actual woman (who would have guessed - not me.)

Okay, so it was just after the turn of the century or so, who knows when, maybe 2002. I remember it was January. I got the (married) sexy attitude (see last entry in this occasional series, about 3 weeks ago) but had no body to go with it. I went to a doctor's appointment about a related matter and he looked and poked at my abdomen and commented, "You have all of this adipose tissue." OH MY GOSH! HOW do you spell ADIPOSE???? Okay, I really AM a doctor, and now YOU TOO KNOW, that it is by the grace of God.

So there I was an the appointment, with the little robe that didn't fit. The little robe that is supposed to give the patient's a sense of privacy. What also was about to no longer fit was the denial that I had been enjoying. It too was cloaked about me. It came tearing off of me in that appointment. Sort-of like a woman who was thrown upon a gurney in an emergency room, her clothes torn off by the stern but efficient ER nurse, dedicated to saving the latest victim from who-know-what horrible ultra-urgent life-threatening condition. (That final sentence can be used as a "poster-child" for an English teacher's demonstration for the use of hyphens.)

The point is, if you're having trouble sticking with me, is that I had no more denial. There is a certain level of denial that keeps sick behaviors continuing. When the doctor put his hand on my abdomen and pushed the fat around and commented upon all of "the adipose tissue," it broke through my denial. And there I was, naked.

I left the appointment and had my husband drive me to my final meal. In and Out burger. Double Double - no onions, french fries and, of course, a Diet Coke.

The next morning in my birthday suit, and before I had anything to drink (of course, the only way to weigh yourself), I weighed in at 220 pounds. Gasp. It turned out that scale was a little off. I can't keep it all straight, but when I got to 153 or so on my new scale, I had figured out that it was a 70 pound weight loss. (Currently, it is only a 65 pound weight loss, since I am not at the 153, but I am working on it - oh the life of a forever-dieter!)

The doctor scheduled me a follow-up appointment for like, every month or two, and with each passing appointment, I kept the weight coming off. It was a good incentive and tracking mechanism for me to lose the 70 pounds.

In future series, I'll let you in on why dieting is not as it seems to be - why dieters fail, and the secret bondage of food in the life of ... me.

I gotta leave you with something spiritual. Here's a prayer for my reader, you. May the Lord bless you and keep you, may He cause His face to shine upon you, my friend. May you know the love of Christ, the love of God that He has for you, my friend. He rejoices over you with singing, my dear friend. He rejoices over you with dancing. He is your soul-provider. He is our Almighty God. Rest in Him, and so will I.

Cold and Harsh

Sometimes standing firm seems cold, harsh and distant. When others complain that you are unfeeling, it is important to see their ploy for what it may be: both an attempt to get you to change or get you to doubt your position. Don't budge. Rationality withstands transient emotional experiences. Besides, you are in the position of authority and it is your agenda that is being carried out.

When others don't understand the correctness of your position, don't fret. Don't overly defend yourself. You know better and are wiser. State your case but don't act like facts are debatable. Stand firm then. Your faith and your positions, the depth of your character will be tested. In the end, they will respect you and the truth will stand. It defends itself, you just stand next to it, and stay standing till the new dawn appears.
ADDENDUM: I took a "gifts" test at Charles Stanley's site: intouch.org. It said my gifts were as follows:
Perceiver:

80%

The Server:

70%

The Teacher:

80%

The Encourager:

45%

The Giver:

30%

The Ruler:

55%

Showing Mercy:

88%
I read the summary of the gifts and found it very enlightening. Do you think these gifts' percentages are accurate, if you know?

And I'm off

Here is a verse: "So Achish called David and said to him, 'As Surely as the LORD lives, you have been reliable, and I would be pleased to have you serve with me in the army.' " That is my hope for my children - reliable and dependable and their reputation preceeds them.
Later: Now I'm in the Chicago airport. Just read this in Oswald Chamber's work: "Paul was not conscious of Himself. He was recklessly abandoned, totally surrendered, and separated by God for one purpose-to proclaim the gospel of God."